Why in the future I’m just going to lie

So, I got the job   The interview was suprisingly easy, I don’t think they expected me to actually know anything about anything. I was meant to be starting on 7th April with an Induction Week. This means I finish here on the 19th March, fly to Pakistan on the 20th March, land back again on the 5th April and start work on the 7th. Obviously there’s a holiday somewhere in the middle of that but somehow I don’t think it will be the most relaxing of trips.

Anyway, I got the job subject to my references and occupational health clearing me. References should be fine. I’d already filled in a long form for Occupational Health and been fairly honest.

Medication   Yes – Citalopram and Tegretol

Depression   Yes – drugs help control it

Self harm      Yes but not for a while 

 All true, all me. So the nurse phoned me yesterday morning to ask about my depression. I told her it was under control and that everything else was as on the form (I don’t know why it would have changed in 2 days but I suppose they have to check). Everything was fine, apparently I’d need a blood test and maybe some vaccinations but who cares.

Yay job! Or so I thought… Four hours later I get another call, same nurse. “Actually I lied, you’re clearly insane and therefore need to see one of our drs to make sure you don’t kill anyone. By the way, all our drs are ridiculously busy so we don’t know when we can give you an appointment. Don’t quit your job just yet.” Ok, I’m paraphrasing but this has me pissed off. I don’t want to have to see a dr, I don’t want to go through the details of my life and why I think I can do the job. It’s not even that really, it’s that the first time she called I was fine, and then suddenly I’m not. Way to make me feel good.

Now, I’d be prepared to accept she was just an idiot if this was the first time it had happened, but it’s not.  The exact same happened with occupational health at BP only they took 2 days to change their mind. Now call me paranoid, but that’s a 100% cock up rate.

I don’t mind having to see a doctor. I do mind being told I’m fine and then that I’m not. What’s changed? It makes me feel unstable and picked on.  It’s made me feel worse than I have in a while. So, this is why in the future I’m going to be fine on all forms.

I was going to write this yesterday…

… but then realised I’d forgotten how to log on. Useful aren’t I. It’s annoying as I had straight in my head what I wanted to say and now it’s gone again. I had something profound to say about the effects of depression but now I can’t really remember what it was. I have an annoying memory like that. I can remember car numberplates from 15 years ago but can’t recall what I was thinking 5 minutes ago.

It’s really odd at the moment. Last week I wanted to get down to Addies, see my psychiatrist and start getting my “happy” pills reduced. Now I’m almost scared of cycling past the place on my was to work in case they try and take them away from me as it feels like they’re the only things stopping me going insane. How can so much change in one week? Nothing physical has changes as far as I can tell so why do I feel so much less positive?

Last week: Going to go off, retrain as nurse and be succesful

This week: What’s the point, I’ll just fail or screw it up like my first degree

Last week: Work is fun, and easy, can cope with this

This week: Work is a waste of time, I’m not achieving anything so why bother

Last week: Nick loves me, and I am happy and bouncy

This week: Why would anyone love me?

And so it goes on. I did manage to get my application to be a HCA at Addies in last night so that’s one good thing but I hold no hope of even getting an interview, never mind a job. Which is a shame because at least then I’d be doing something that would help me gain skills for what I want to do rather than killing time waiting for Nick to graduate which is how I feel at the moment.

I know this sounds like I’m just moaning. It’s more me trying to get my thoughts straight so I can work out what triggered my mood change and get back on the right track. I know there’s a lot of possibilities out there, I just need to be in the right frame of mind to see them.