I was going to write this yesterday…

… but then realised I’d forgotten how to log on. Useful aren’t I. It’s annoying as I had straight in my head what I wanted to say and now it’s gone again. I had something profound to say about the effects of depression but now I can’t really remember what it was. I have an annoying memory like that. I can remember car numberplates from 15 years ago but can’t recall what I was thinking 5 minutes ago.

It’s really odd at the moment. Last week I wanted to get down to Addies, see my psychiatrist and start getting my “happy” pills reduced. Now I’m almost scared of cycling past the place on my was to work in case they try and take them away from me as it feels like they’re the only things stopping me going insane. How can so much change in one week? Nothing physical has changes as far as I can tell so why do I feel so much less positive?

Last week: Going to go off, retrain as nurse and be succesful

This week: What’s the point, I’ll just fail or screw it up like my first degree

Last week: Work is fun, and easy, can cope with this

This week: Work is a waste of time, I’m not achieving anything so why bother

Last week: Nick loves me, and I am happy and bouncy

This week: Why would anyone love me?

And so it goes on. I did manage to get my application to be a HCA at Addies in last night so that’s one good thing but I hold no hope of even getting an interview, never mind a job. Which is a shame because at least then I’d be doing something that would help me gain skills for what I want to do rather than killing time waiting for Nick to graduate which is how I feel at the moment.

I know this sounds like I’m just moaning. It’s more me trying to get my thoughts straight so I can work out what triggered my mood change and get back on the right track. I know there’s a lot of possibilities out there, I just need to be in the right frame of mind to see them.

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One Response to I was going to write this yesterday…

  1. Rob N. says:

    Sometimes there are obvious triggers to my depressive episodes and bouts of negativity. Sometimes there aren’t any, at least that I’m aware of. I think my brain chemistry is just screwy.

    Peace.

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