May 2, 2008

I didn’t get the job. There is no fucking point anymore. They can’t even tell me why – apparently it’s confidential. I just can’t be fucked with anything ever again.;


What to do?

May 1, 2008

Well, I still don’t definitely have my job. Everything that could possibly have gone wrong has. Story of my life at the moment to be honest. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall only to achieve nothing. It’s so stupid. There’s a problem with one of my references apparently so I’ve now given them another one but I don’t hold out much hope for it ever being sorted. Every time I phone the staff bank, I speak to someone with limited English who can’t understand me and then tells me there’s yet another problem. They never try and do anything to sort the problems, they rely on me phonign them to reming them that I do really want this job. I have just over a week till the next induction and I’m running out of faith that everything will fit together on time.

This is a real bugger as I’ve kind of pinned all my hopes and expectations on getting this job. I’m pretty miserable at the moment and this is the one thing that I feel may make it right. It’s probably stupid and if I get it there’s fairly high odds I’ll mess it up but the thought of getting this job is keeping me borderline despair rather than deep despair.

They want to change my drugs. At least the psychiastrist does. Ditch the citalopram and the tegretol and try ventaflaxine instead. To be honest, I’m prepared to give anything a go. I had an ECG at lunch time today as ventaflaxine can mess with your heart but mine is fine – at least before the drugs! The only thing is, the psychiatrist didn’t tell me how to come off the others and how much of the new stuff to take. So, I went to see my GP instead (as recommended by nice psychiatrist lady). GP is old school and the one who put me on citalopram in the first place. He basically made me feel awful about changing. Didn’t give me any useful advice and seemed to be suggesting it would be a bad idea.

I want the new happy pills. They’re meant to be better for anxiety and to be fair what I’m on at the moment just ain’t working. I’m so damn sensitive about everything and can’t let anything go. Every little detail is just building up in my head until I want to explode. Like my housemate complained I woke them up coming in late and I felt terrible about it for the next two days and kept beating myself up mentally. Thing is he wasn’t even that pissed off. OR Nick wil say something trying to help and I’ll just yell at him and tell him I don’t love him. So I’ve just stopped talking to him at all because if I say something I’ll only end up shouting.

I don’t know what to do. My head is breaking me. I have these words in my brain and I can’t get them out. I can forget about them for a moment but as soon as I let my guard down they swoop in and start tearing me apart. Every little detail goes wrong. I can’t achieve anything worthwhile with this going on so why do I keep on bothering? My brain is trying to kill me and I don’t know how to make it stop.

If I get this job everything will be alright. Of course it will.