Crisising (again)

September 8, 2008

It seems I only ever use this when I have a problem or when my life is a mess but that is when I need to write or rant to try and sort my head out. It’s all going wrong all over agfain which seems to be the path my life takes. Before I left Cambridge I finally saw the PSychological Treatment Services, I talked and talked at them, it was painful but I got it out and I got a proper diagnosis. PTSD with severe depression. Basically something really bad happened a long time ago, my brain broke and now the memories are all in the wrong place. I need some special sort of CBT type stuff to fix it which is apparently possible but then I moved and I’ve lost all the history of referrals and everything it took me three years to acquire.

Still, I’m here and I have a job. It’s even the job I thought I wanted – working as an HCA on AMU at —— hospital (not going to name it). I had tied getting the job I wanted as being perfect and nearly fixing me, or at least getting part way there but it’s not. There’s been no training at all. I had 2 weeks of being allegedly supernumerary but that meant nothing, I was still doing everything. I am moving patients, giving bed baths, doing everything with zero official gidance on how I’m meant to be doing it. THis terrifies me and should terrify everyone else too. I am potentially putting myself and patients at risk through no training on how to safely move them. We had a three day corporate induction (2 weeks after I started, what’s the point) which translated¬† as death by powerpoint times 1000. No practicles, nothing useful. For example, allegedly we should always use a slide sheet to move patients up a bed. I wasn’t even aware there were slide sheets in the hospital. It’s crap. I keep getting into trouble for doing things wrong when I didn’t even know there was a right way to do it. THis is getting me down o much. How can I do things right when I didn’t know there was a way to do it? But this isn’t about that. The shifts are long and hard, I do it all wrong. Id on’t know what to say or do. I want to report the lack of safety but noone’s told me how to do that. How can take this to the ward sister and get a reputation as a trouble causer before I’ve even started? THis was meant to be what I wanted and I can’t do it.

I thought I wanted to do nursing but now I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do. I failed my fist choice of degree and now find tht what I thought I wanted to do isn’t. So now I don’t know what to do with myself. How do I decide what to do with my life when everything I try is a nightmare? I have to work to have money but I can’t cope with working, it destroys me. Even days off are spent counting the time till I have to be bakc, doing it wrong again. There has to be something that makes me happy but I can’t find it so maybe I don’t deserve it so what’s the point of keeping going?There’s not enough time in the world to cope. I enjoy ding my creative stuff, I genuinely do but I can’t sit down and do it because there’s not time because I have to do sixthousand other things and I can’t even get out of bed because I can’t face the world. I am so messed up. I thought by doing nursing I coudl recover from the mistaked I made at Cambridge but now I don’t think I can. SO what do I do? How do I cope?

I’m sleeping badly, having these really bizarre vivid violent dreams so I wake up drenched in sweat feeling more exhausted than when I went to sleep. I want to just be at peace with myself ut I can never obtain that. I have no friends here and I don’t want them because every set of friends I’ve had in the past has betrayed or abandonned me. But Nick wants friends and it’s not fair on him to have to deal with my neurotic self destruction.

There are two Anas in my mind. THe happy one who looks good, works hard and succeeds and the evil one who is hellbent on destroying all of that. Whenever somethign goes right, the evil one speaks telling me why I don’t deserve it and why I should just give up before I fail again and again and again. I wasnt my mind to leave me alone to stop destroying me. I don’t feel normal. I withdraw into my head and the world isn’t real, what’s happening isn’t real all there is is my mind telling me why I should just give up and stop for ever.

I hate my life, I hate my mind, I hate me.