Crisising (again)

It seems I only ever use this when I have a problem or when my life is a mess but that is when I need to write or rant to try and sort my head out. It’s all going wrong all over agfain which seems to be the path my life takes. Before I left Cambridge I finally saw the PSychological Treatment Services, I talked and talked at them, it was painful but I got it out and I got a proper diagnosis. PTSD with severe depression. Basically something really bad happened a long time ago, my brain broke and now the memories are all in the wrong place. I need some special sort of CBT type stuff to fix it which is apparently possible but then I moved and I’ve lost all the history of referrals and everything it took me three years to acquire.

Still, I’m here and I have a job. It’s even the job I thought I wanted – working as an HCA on AMU at —— hospital (not going to name it). I had tied getting the job I wanted as being perfect and nearly fixing me, or at least getting part way there but it’s not. There’s been no training at all. I had 2 weeks of being allegedly supernumerary but that meant nothing, I was still doing everything. I am moving patients, giving bed baths, doing everything with zero official gidance on how I’m meant to be doing it. THis terrifies me and should terrify everyone else too. I am potentially putting myself and patients at risk through no training on how to safely move them. We had a three day corporate induction (2 weeks after I started, what’s the point) which translated¬† as death by powerpoint times 1000. No practicles, nothing useful. For example, allegedly we should always use a slide sheet to move patients up a bed. I wasn’t even aware there were slide sheets in the hospital. It’s crap. I keep getting into trouble for doing things wrong when I didn’t even know there was a right way to do it. THis is getting me down o much. How can I do things right when I didn’t know there was a way to do it? But this isn’t about that. The shifts are long and hard, I do it all wrong. Id on’t know what to say or do. I want to report the lack of safety but noone’s told me how to do that. How can take this to the ward sister and get a reputation as a trouble causer before I’ve even started? THis was meant to be what I wanted and I can’t do it.

I thought I wanted to do nursing but now I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do. I failed my fist choice of degree and now find tht what I thought I wanted to do isn’t. So now I don’t know what to do with myself. How do I decide what to do with my life when everything I try is a nightmare? I have to work to have money but I can’t cope with working, it destroys me. Even days off are spent counting the time till I have to be bakc, doing it wrong again. There has to be something that makes me happy but I can’t find it so maybe I don’t deserve it so what’s the point of keeping going?There’s not enough time in the world to cope. I enjoy ding my creative stuff, I genuinely do but I can’t sit down and do it because there’s not time because I have to do sixthousand other things and I can’t even get out of bed because I can’t face the world. I am so messed up. I thought by doing nursing I coudl recover from the mistaked I made at Cambridge but now I don’t think I can. SO what do I do? How do I cope?

I’m sleeping badly, having these really bizarre vivid violent dreams so I wake up drenched in sweat feeling more exhausted than when I went to sleep. I want to just be at peace with myself ut I can never obtain that. I have no friends here and I don’t want them because every set of friends I’ve had in the past has betrayed or abandonned me. But Nick wants friends and it’s not fair on him to have to deal with my neurotic self destruction.

There are two Anas in my mind. THe happy one who looks good, works hard and succeeds and the evil one who is hellbent on destroying all of that. Whenever somethign goes right, the evil one speaks telling me why I don’t deserve it and why I should just give up before I fail again and again and again. I wasnt my mind to leave me alone to stop destroying me. I don’t feel normal. I withdraw into my head and the world isn’t real, what’s happening isn’t real all there is is my mind telling me why I should just give up and stop for ever.

I hate my life, I hate my mind, I hate me.


2 Responses to Crisising (again)

  1. Vincci says:

    Dear Ana,

    At lesat you have the guts to go and get diagonosed. I am sorry to hear that you are not happy after having moved away from the cursed Cambridge and got a nursing position. What is it in nursing that you really don’t like? I understand a bit about the lack of training aspect – I have worked for small companies. I thought you have more experience on such things than me, because I have only temped once, and that was with CamSIS. And frankly computer things are easy compare to dealing with patients.

    If they don’t train you up, then no wonder you get things wrong! I have to say it is horrifyiing to think that they treat you and the patients both as their guinea pigs, so to speak. If you survive this though, you might want to consider getting a position in a better hospital. If the hours are too long, can you switch to part time, then maybe do another less demanding part time for more cash? You will fare so much better than me, because I still have zero Admin experience here and temping was as much of a doomed business for me as finding a real job. No, being in such an unstructured learning environment is not what anyone could have wanted as a fresh bllod into the job market….I think you are just on the steep section of the learning curve – keep going, things hopefully will settle down a bit. When they tell you off, just imagine them as old fat cows mooing or something.

    I messed up my first degree. I wanted to do another Master, but I doubt I will get funding for it. I might try to apply for next year and see what happens. I talked to someone from CASP in cambridge a couple of days back, and he basically told me something along the lines of ‘you got a 2.ii, you are fucked! Are you useless or something?’ and ‘Oil oil oil. Didn’t do much seds? you are REALLY FUCKED!’

    So yeah. my daily thoughts echoes those of your last line – although most of all I hate myself. You know, I always think you are more intelligent than me (although most Cambridge students are). I managed to get a 11 month contract with a company in Cambridge, so I will sticking around for a bit. I will be looking for a new job for the next September as soon as I start my new one (next monday). On the depressing side of things, I have to keep going because there is no easy way to ‘go’. I don’t have money for my own cremation/burial. On the brighter side of things though, I am (and you are too) jobbed for now. Bonus point for you is that you have families and friends (e.g. me, although we haven’t talked much) and someone who have faith in you. and want you to get better. I am struggling too, although probably not as much as you. I just turn into a cynical old fart instead! What with reading so many Richard Dawkins and Michael Sheamer’s books recently, how I exploded when someone said something like ‘God likes a tryer’!

    You want to be alive and kicking because you have things you like and they are worth living for. (Look who’s talking here….well I don’t believe that but that is what people say)

    Please take care, and keep trying. Give my regards to Nick. Tell him Nicky White is still looking for a PhD student to be his seismic image processing monkey after he refused his offer. That lucky lucky guy…

    I won’t be getting any holiday until Christmas, probably. But I am looking forward to come and visit you two in your cosy house. Don’t worry too much about other people. Just take care of yourself, get as much rest as you can and relax a bit.

    Talk soon. I am such a windbag…


    p.s. Apologise in advance for all my bad grammars, spelling mistakes and typo..

  2. Lola Snow says:

    “Basically something really bad happened a long time ago, my brain broke and now the memories are all in the wrong place”

    No one has ever been able to put into words how I feel, not even me, and that one sentence was spot on. I really hope things start looking up for you soon.

    Lola x

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