Guilt

December 30, 2008

Following on from what I just said, why does every decision I take make me feel awful? If I don’t get up, I feel bad because I’m wasting the day but if I do get up then I feel bad because bed was comfy and there’s nothing to do anyway. If I spend some of the money I got given to treat myself for Christmas, I feel bad because I don’t need whatever it is and the money should be saved for more important things but if I don’t spend it, I feel bad because it was given to me to treat myself. It even goes as far as feeling guilty if I go to get a glass of water. I mean seriously that cannot be normal.

Note: what follows is probably going to be random rambling rantings, please ignore.

I have too much emotion in my system at the moment and nowhere for it to go so it builds up and comes out as bursts of irrational anger, mostly against Nick even when he hasn’t done anything. Little details build up in my mind until it feels like it’s going to explode and I can’t process them in a rational way and realise they are unimportant. Instead I brood on them and blow them out of all proportion, making my head hurt from the amount of information and anger that’s in it. I can’t be happy because lets be honest there’s not a lot to be happy about at the moment but the drugs stop me from being too sad. SO there’s all this misplaced emotion that comes out as short periods of extreme upset when I can’t stop crying over nothing or periods of complete manic happiness when the world doesn’t matter and everything’s great but mostly as anger, irrational rage at the world and everything in it. I need to stop getting het up over the little things but I don’t know how, my mind can’t process all the information that’s coming into it so it runs round and round inside my head, building up and colliding with all the stuff that’s already in there until it explodes out in 10 minutes of ludicrous emotion. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. Sometimes they strike me with an intense desire to do myself harm and I have to hope when that happens I’m in a safe place as I’m not responsible for my own actions when the mass of thoughts takes control. They are ruling me, it actually physically hurts inside my head having all this information with nowhere to go.

And this is stopping me from having a future. When the manic moments occur, nursing is the best thing, what I desperately want to do, my calling, something I can truly excel at. But the upset makes me realise I’ll only fail it like I did the first time and then there’s the anger. The anger at little negative details that happen on St John duties that all build up and make me feel I’m really not cut out for nursing or anything at all. But if I don’t do nursing, what else is there? Rationally, and there is a rational me deep, deep down, I could be a good nurse. What happens on St John duties doesn’t really, truly count, no matter how much it hurts me in my head. So I don’t know. THis is all assuming I get my UCAS form finished and pass any fitness to practice assessments, which lets be honest, based on past experiences is pretty damn unlikely.

Random rantings finish here.


Disabled, me?

December 30, 2008

I got through Christmas despite relatives, colds and too much food. To be fair I even mostly enjoyed it and forgot to be down for a little while, only a very little while but it was nice while it lasted.

But now it’s over and back to unemployed, bored, useless reality. There are still no jobs around and I must be going for some sort of record in terms of outright rejections. The thing it I easily meet and exceed the person specification for these jobs but I’m not even getting an interview. Now all these jobs have the option for you to declare yourself disabled and because of fluffy equal rights laws they guarantee people with a disability an interview if they meet the job requirements. I don’t consider myself to be disabled but I meet the legal definition of having a disability and I lost my previous job because I am “disabled”. So why won’t I declare it? I’d have interviews coming out my ears, ok it doesn’t guarantee a job but it gets me further than I am at the moment. Why are people able to use my mental health against me, but I’m not prepared to use it to my advantage. Why am I too proud to help myself? It’s because I’d feel guilty, horribly guilty. I am not really ill in the eyes of the world and consequently in my eyes too. If I had a physical disability, I’d have no problem declaring it, and wouldn’t be afraid of being judged but mental health is treated so differently and I can’t bring myself to tick that little box and tell the world.


Scared of a solution.

December 16, 2008

Let’s get away from job for now. Thought I maybe had an interview today, it turned out to be a scam, but that’s another story.

As it looks like I’ll be waiting eternally for CBT off the good old NHS, my parents have offered to pay for me to have CBT privately. Woo, a solution! So why am I making excuses? I’m pretending to be afraid of them paying a lot of money to end up with a psychologist who’s rubbish or I don’t trust but that’s not really it. I’m meant to be emailing the psychologist from Cambridge to get her to recommend someone, my parents have even looked up nearby people on the Association of British Psychologists or some such thing but still I’m scared.

This is meant to be the be all and end all to my problems, a course of CBT and voila I’ll be cured, no more depression, no more problems or that’s the impression I’ve been given. So my first fear is what if it doesn’t work? If the great solution fails, then what? I’m left with no answer and no way out.

But I’m also scared of it working, possibly more so. I’ve been living with these problems at varying levels since I’ve been 14, that’s nearly 10 years. If the CBT works and they go away, I don’t know what I’ll be. What is a me with no problems? I guess it’s like a me happy, but no matter how happy I am at the moment, there’s still a part of my mind hell bent on my destruction. It’s like the depression defines me now and if it’s removed I’ll be left without definition and I don’t know if I’ll like that me at all.

I sound so selfish, I’ve been offered a wonderful chance that many would jump at and yet I’m almost too scared to take it. I feel wrong even writing this. Nobody else surely would be so pathetic that they’re not prepared to even attempt a shot at salvation when it’s offered to them on a plate.

It probably won’t be for a while anyway, you have to be relatively stable to attempt CBT and I’m definitely not at the moment.


Why fight?

December 14, 2008

I recently lost my job. I’m not going to say why and I’m not going to say how but it happened. I feel that the actions leading up to this were unfair and tantamount to discrimination. I have sent a number of letters back and forth, quoting and reading policies and laws (which are very hard work, believe me!) and the more I do so, the more I believe that the employer breached a number of both their internal policies and national laws.

Now my employer is big, think huge and has vast legal resources and money at its disposal. I do not. I have no job, pretty much no money and no entitlement to benefits (but that’s another story). I do not qualify for legal aid as I got paid last month which took me over the threshold.

Should I continue to fight? My dad says why bother? They’re huge, you’ll never win, you don’t have the time or the resources to get anywhere near building a case. And it’s true, I don’t, I don’t know the first thing about the correct course of action and what to do to not prejudice any case I may have. Hell, I can barerly get out of bed in the morning, what hope do I possibly have?

But if nobody fights, how will things ever change? How will I ever be accepted for what I am, not what I have? I don’t have the strength right now for this fight and probably never will but without it I have nothing. If I cannot change the way people think and view mental illness, I have no future whatever happens.

But if I do fight and lose? What then? I’m back down to zero, below zero, the hell hole I currently inhabit where every action takes more energy and life is like swimming through treacle. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.


And then back down again…

December 6, 2008

I guess I must have been a serial killer or worse in a previous life, or els what have I done to deserve all this? My head feels like it’s being torn in two.


Better day :)

December 6, 2008

For once something optimistic! I had fun last night, unlikely I know. Tragically it was a St John ambulance duty but it was good, not for anything to do, just for seeing people, having fun, gossiping ad bitching. So thanks those that were there, you lifted me no end 🙂


If I had a gun…

December 5, 2008

Right now, I wouldn’t be here writing this. I’m at a total loss. I don’t have a job, I can’t get a job, there are no jobs to get. There’s no help for me. My GP wants to help but can’t do anything other than push people who won’t do anything. I need legal advice but I can’t afford to get it. CAB aren’t taking on any new cases. Legal aid won’t help because I got paid last month and so I earned too much that month to qualify even though I don’t know where my next pay check’s going to come from.

I’d come so far towards getting what I want from life but now I’m spiraling back to below the very bottom. I want to  hurt myself but then I’ll just be accused of attention seeking. But maybe I do want attention, what’s so wrong with that? I want to stop having to fight so hard to go backwards. I’m not sure I could stop everything, but I wish I could. Stop the world, stop everything, stop the pain and the stress and the upset.

I just feel empty. I feel unable to be upset asnd get all the pent up emotion out so instead I’m shouting and screaming. Everything everyone says is wrong. Nick is getting abuse off me for trying to help. I can’t remember the last person I spoke to that wasn’t Nick, his parents or my parents. I’m just sitting at home with nowhere to go. If (And it’s a big if) I do qualify for job seekers, it won’t even cover the rent.

Just let it stop, let it all stop.