If I had a gun…

Right now, I wouldn’t be here writing this. I’m at a total loss. I don’t have a job, I can’t get a job, there are no jobs to get. There’s no help for me. My GP wants to help but can’t do anything other than push people who won’t do anything. I need legal advice but I can’t afford to get it. CAB aren’t taking on any new cases. Legal aid won’t help because I got paid last month and so I earned too much that month to qualify even though I don’t know where my next pay check’s going to come from.

I’d come so far towards getting what I want from life but now I’m spiraling back to below the very bottom. I want to  hurt myself but then I’ll just be accused of attention seeking. But maybe I do want attention, what’s so wrong with that? I want to stop having to fight so hard to go backwards. I’m not sure I could stop everything, but I wish I could. Stop the world, stop everything, stop the pain and the stress and the upset.

I just feel empty. I feel unable to be upset asnd get all the pent up emotion out so instead I’m shouting and screaming. Everything everyone says is wrong. Nick is getting abuse off me for trying to help. I can’t remember the last person I spoke to that wasn’t Nick, his parents or my parents. I’m just sitting at home with nowhere to go. If (And it’s a big if) I do qualify for job seekers, it won’t even cover the rent.

Just let it stop, let it all stop.

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