Scared of a solution.

Let’s get away from job for now. Thought I maybe had an interview today, it turned out to be a scam, but that’s another story.

As it looks like I’ll be waiting eternally for CBT off the good old NHS, my parents have offered to pay for me to have CBT privately. Woo, a solution! So why am I making excuses? I’m pretending to be afraid of them paying a lot of money to end up with a psychologist who’s rubbish or I don’t trust but that’s not really it. I’m meant to be emailing the psychologist from Cambridge to get her to recommend someone, my parents have even looked up nearby people on the Association of British Psychologists or some such thing but still I’m scared.

This is meant to be the be all and end all to my problems, a course of CBT and voila I’ll be cured, no more depression, no more problems or that’s the impression I’ve been given. So my first fear is what if it doesn’t work? If the great solution fails, then what? I’m left with no answer and no way out.

But I’m also scared of it working, possibly more so. I’ve been living with these problems at varying levels since I’ve been 14, that’s nearly 10 years. If the CBT works and they go away, I don’t know what I’ll be. What is a me with no problems? I guess it’s like a me happy, but no matter how happy I am at the moment, there’s still a part of my mind hell bent on my destruction. It’s like the depression defines me now and if it’s removed I’ll be left without definition and I don’t know if I’ll like that me at all.

I sound so selfish, I’ve been offered a wonderful chance that many would jump at and yet I’m almost too scared to take it. I feel wrong even writing this. Nobody else surely would be so pathetic that they’re not prepared to even attempt a shot at salvation when it’s offered to them on a plate.

It probably won’t be for a while anyway, you have to be relatively stable to attempt CBT and I’m definitely not at the moment.


One Response to Scared of a solution.

  1. Lola Snow says:

    I totally get this. When down, the pleasure is removed from everything, there is no hope for the future, so the promise of a new better future means very little if you are unable to attach an emotion to it. It makes perfect sense, like trying to work out what colour the sky is, if you are wearing red tinted glasses.

    I figure you sort of just have to do it, and realise that you don’t get why, it’s just better than where you are right now. Like you can’t fully understand the why, which is a killer indication that you need the CBT. It’s tough to find the motivation to change, if your motivation has been beaten with the stick of doom, but you can do it. I figure you know that already, but it never hurts to hear it again!

    Lola x

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