Following on from what I just said, why does every decision I take make me feel awful? If I don’t get up, I feel bad because I’m wasting the day but if I do get up then I feel bad because bed was comfy and there’s nothing to do anyway. If I spend some of the money I got given to treat myself for Christmas, I feel bad because I don’t need whatever it is and the money should be saved for more important things but if I don’t spend it, I feel bad because it was given to me to treat myself. It even goes as far as feeling guilty if I go to get a glass of water. I mean seriously that cannot be normal.
Note: what follows is probably going to be random rambling rantings, please ignore.
I have too much emotion in my system at the moment and nowhere for it to go so it builds up and comes out as bursts of irrational anger, mostly against Nick even when he hasn’t done anything. Little details build up in my mind until it feels like it’s going to explode and I can’t process them in a rational way and realise they are unimportant. Instead I brood on them and blow them out of all proportion, making my head hurt from the amount of information and anger that’s in it. I can’t be happy because lets be honest there’s not a lot to be happy about at the moment but the drugs stop me from being too sad. SO there’s all this misplaced emotion that comes out as short periods of extreme upset when I can’t stop crying over nothing or periods of complete manic happiness when the world doesn’t matter and everything’s great but mostly as anger, irrational rage at the world and everything in it. I need to stop getting het up over the little things but I don’t know how, my mind can’t process all the information that’s coming into it so it runs round and round inside my head, building up and colliding with all the stuff that’s already in there until it explodes out in 10 minutes of ludicrous emotion. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. Sometimes they strike me with an intense desire to do myself harm and I have to hope when that happens I’m in a safe place as I’m not responsible for my own actions when the mass of thoughts takes control. They are ruling me, it actually physically hurts inside my head having all this information with nowhere to go.
And this is stopping me from having a future. When the manic moments occur, nursing is the best thing, what I desperately want to do, my calling, something I can truly excel at. But the upset makes me realise I’ll only fail it like I did the first time and then there’s the anger. The anger at little negative details that happen on St John duties that all build up and make me feel I’m really not cut out for nursing or anything at all. But if I don’t do nursing, what else is there? Rationally, and there is a rational me deep, deep down, I could be a good nurse. What happens on St John duties doesn’t really, truly count, no matter how much it hurts me in my head. So I don’t know. THis is all assuming I get my UCAS form finished and pass any fitness to practice assessments, which lets be honest, based on past experiences is pretty damn unlikely.
Random rantings finish here.