Following on from what I just said, why does every decision I take make me feel awful? If I don’t get up, I feel bad because I’m wasting the day but if I do get up then I feel bad because bed was comfy and there’s nothing to do anyway. If I spend some of the money I got given to treat myself for Christmas, I feel bad because I don’t need whatever it is and the money should be saved for more important things but if I don’t spend it, I feel bad because it was given to me to treat myself. It even goes as far as feeling guilty if I go to get a glass of water. I mean seriously that cannot be normal.

Note: what follows is probably going to be random rambling rantings, please ignore.

I have too much emotion in my system at the moment and nowhere for it to go so it builds up and comes out as bursts of irrational anger, mostly against Nick even when he hasn’t done anything. Little details build up in my mind until it feels like it’s going to explode and I can’t process them in a rational way and realise they are unimportant. Instead I brood on them and blow them out of all proportion, making my head hurt from the amount of information and anger that’s in it. I can’t be happy because lets be honest there’s not a lot to be happy about at the moment but the drugs stop me from being too sad. SO there’s all this misplaced emotion that comes out as short periods of extreme upset when I can’t stop crying over nothing or periods of complete manic happiness when the world doesn’t matter and everything’s great but mostly as anger, irrational rage at the world and everything in it. I need to stop getting het up over the little things but I don’t know how, my mind can’t process all the information that’s coming into it so it runs round and round inside my head, building up and colliding with all the stuff that’s already in there until it explodes out in 10 minutes of ludicrous emotion. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. Sometimes they strike me with an intense desire to do myself harm and I have to hope when that happens I’m in a safe place as I’m not responsible for my own actions when the mass of thoughts takes control. They are ruling me, it actually physically hurts inside my head having all this information with nowhere to go.

And this is stopping me from having a future. When the manic moments occur, nursing is the best thing, what I desperately want to do, my calling, something I can truly excel at. But the upset makes me realise I’ll only fail it like I did the first time and then there’s the anger. The anger at little negative details that happen on St John duties that all build up and make me feel I’m really not cut out for nursing or anything at all. But if I don’t do nursing, what else is there? Rationally, and there is a rational me deep, deep down, I could be a good nurse. What happens on St John duties doesn’t really, truly count, no matter how much it hurts me in my head. So I don’t know. THis is all assuming I get my UCAS form finished and pass any fitness to practice assessments, which lets be honest, based on past experiences is pretty damn unlikely.

Random rantings finish here.


2 Responses to Guilt

  1. Chapati says:

    Hi Ani,

    I’ve been reading your blog since Nick linked to it a few weeks ago, but finally got round to reading through the archives properly.

    I really do think you’re too hard on yourself. You have a degree from Cambridge. That’s HARD to achieve. Makes you amongst the top IQs in the country. You really are clever. University is so different to school – studying is something people who go to places like Oxbridge, Warwick, Imperial etc found really easy, and then they get to university and struggle for the first time. So please don’t beat yourself up over it.

    As for your bad St John experiences – dealing with ill people in real life, real time is going to bring some. Try and analyse whether the bad experiences really were something to do with you or just something to do with the situation. Talk about it with an experienced St Johnner who is used to giving feedback (select wisely), see if they can point out whether you did the best you could considering real life is completely different to training, or where you can improve.

    If nursing really is your call, follow the dream! With the increased motivation of doing something you love, you will succeed. Although remember that every one has low points when they sit and think ‘oh god is this really for me’, especially when that essay is due, those exams need to be sat, or they have to deal with that patient…

    You need to break your life down into life size chunks and deal with changing one thing at a time.

    And finally, it’s all really easy for me to say, sitting on the other end of an internet connection calmly reading your thoughts. I’m just trying to share my solutions to similar things I’ve thought and experienced in the past, but it doen’t work for everyone. in retrospect I know exactly how I would deal with things when they got on top of me, but at the time I dealt with it all awfully. What I can say though is that as hard as it is to believe, and as much as you want it now, things WILL get better over time…just take things one step at a time. One day you’ll look back and this will be a distant memory.

    I hope things improve for you. Drop me an email and we can chat privately if you want to.

    Best wishes for the new year,


  2. Lola Snow says:

    Straight away I want to jump in on this post and ask what medication you are on. Simply for the fact that the guilt and the anger, although definitely symptoms of PTSD, also sound like they are cranked up to melting point right now. I have been there, and was told again and again it was me, but turned out I was just overmedicated. Worth a thought. Even if you could just get an adjunct to calm things down whilst you work through.

    Aside from that, as far as the existential crisis goes all I have learned is this. When bad stuff happens it makes us reassess our place in the world. Everything that we have built up can be broken and taken away as easily and as quickly as one split second of any other persons choice The aftermath is that it is so difficult to learn to trust the world. Learning that sometimes bad stuff just happens, just “because” is easy. Learning to trust that all your hopes at happiness aren’t threatened all the time is considerably harder. That leaves a dark patch on every situation, and a head full of anger over what could of been, and why.

    Be kind to yourself. These thoughts and feelings are draining, and it is hard to recognise the amazing feat that you are achieveing. Just by not exploding altogether, you are far stronger than you give yourself credit for.

    Lola x

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