The most depressing day of the year

January 19, 2009

Is today alledgedly. And looking at the weather outside, I can kind of see their point. So does that mean from here on in things can only get better?

To be fair, some good stuff has happened. I have my UCAS form in for nursing and got invited to my first interview 2 days later, interview’s at the end of March so have time to plan sensible style answers. That has to be a good sign right? Although it’s not getting through the interviews that worries me, it’s the fitness to practice type occy health stuff that’s the problem. But I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, I’ve still got to get in. My 5million job applications have finally been met with one interview, this Friday. It’s for a home care worker position, which is probably a bit rubbish but pays well and is very local to me. So here’s hoping. My financial situation is becoming decidedly precarious so if I don’t get something soon…

See, there are some positives if you look hard enough. The problem is that when I start feeling a bit happy/optimistic my brain shouts me down. How dare I be happy? What have I done to deserve it? I must be depressed, my brain tells me so.

And psych serivces finally got off their arses and gave me an assessment. Woo! But wait, don’t get too excited, an opportunity really doesn’t exist. So, have an assessment, dredge up your worst memories, the ones you’ve spent months supressing and then tell you there’ll be a five month waiting list for anything else. Just great. Leave me feeling vulnerable and then tell me to wait indefinitely to feel better. On the plus side, I didn’t gain any extra diagnoses which has to be a first!

There may be a solution though. A light, a wonderful chance. There is a charity here, a not-for-profit specialist mental health provider, who on top of their in patient units which take crazy people in and release them as reformed sane people weeks later, also has an outpatient therapy team. It sounds amazing, what the NHS should be, I actually cried when I found it, it looks that good. So, I’m going to my GP tomorrow to ask for a referral. Plentiful fingers crossed for me please? I don’t hold out much hope, it’s probably massively oversubscribed and I’m sane on the outside remember?

So there is hope. Not much, but a glimmer. I want to beat this. I’m not safe as I am.



January 8, 2009

I’m bored of feeling like this. I’m bored of considering a day good if I’ve only thought about topping myself 3 or 4 times. Please tell me that this is not normal? I’m so used to living this way that I’m not entirely sure it’s not how it’s meant to be and that everyone really feels like this, they just hide it better. I’m bored of fighting with myself and everyone else over nothing. I’m bored of over-analysing things so that even the most innocuous of comments seems like an unforgivable insult. I’m bored of everything I try and do to make things better just making it worse. I’m bored of being uneployed. I’m bored of having no friends and nobody to talk to.

I want out of this, I want to be well. I want to live a normal life, or as close to normal as everyone else is. Is this too much to ask? THe problem is I don’t know how to get there.

I spent a long time on the phone to someone last night, which is a miracle in itself, me on the phone?! It helped. Just talking to someone who isn’t one of the three people I normally see. I have a feeling I rambled and that he now knows more about my life than he probably wanted but I’m really grateful. Thanks 🙂 I now have a to do list that I’ going to be forced to accomplish including taking on some voluntary work just to get me out of the house. Lets hope I can do it.

The problem is when you’re so apathetic, that achieving nothing makes you exhausted, how do you go on to achieve something? I’ve made a drs appointment, I want to beat this but I’m not strong enough and I don’t know how.

And I thought I was supposed to be clever…

January 6, 2009

Last night I did something very stupid but for once not in a depressed way, just a genuine idiot moment. I drove into town to pick up Nick and parked up to wait for him. Left the radio on and waited. Now 20 minutes later, mid some crazy evangelical church advert, the radio cut out. This confused me. I firstly considered the wrath of God at nutter advertising but quickly dismissed that. Then I realised the engine wouldn’t start. Oh god, I’ve broke the car. I’ve had it less than a week and it’s already buggeed. Phoned Nick, who was late, and suggested the battery was probably flat although he didn’t see jow just having the radio on for 20 mins could do this. At this point, I finely realised my stupidity, I’d left the headlights on. Oops, I’d been sitting in the car for 20 minutes, engine off and not realised my lights were still on. Why yes, I am a fool. Thankfully Nick and a lovely truck driver bump started me and car is now fine and I know what to do if it happens again. Just goes to show how lacking my common sense really is.

Now excuse me, I seem to have discovered some energy to do stuff from somewhere, so I’m going to go see if I can actually achieve something useful with the day.

When my best is never enough

January 5, 2009

I am despairing at my mother. She tries to help but just ends up making me feel 10x worse about myself. Today I emailed a few recruitment agencies I’d been registered with in the summer before everyhting went wrong. I mostly did this because she’d been nagging me even though I’m fairly sure none of them will have anything available given that hiring temporary staff is one of the first things to be cut from company budgets when times are hard. So yeah, I got off my arse and actually did something to help myself. Yay me, right?

No, of course not. I should have gone in and seen them even though every time I’ve done so in the past they’ve just told me to email in my CV. But no, apparently visiting creates a good impression even if they don’t ask my name and will have no way to relate the CV I’d get asked to email in to me anyway. So in effect I was trying to save myself a trip to town and the waste of a day. But of course it’s not good enough, because mental health problems aren’t real and this is all my fault right?

So now I’ve shouted and feel rubbish about myself all over again. I don’t know how she manages it, I really don’t. The ability to get under my skin and make me feel a total failure even when she’s saying the opposite. Like constantly telling me I was capable of getting more than a 2.ii in my degree. I know that, hell, the whole world knows that and I’m not proud of it. I should have achieved more but I didn’t so why keep reminding me?

Or telling me I shouldn’t be suprised not to get JSA if I declared I had a partner. Because of course commiting benefit fraud for the sake of £50 a week would be so worth it. Maybe I should just go the whole way of listening to her, come off my venaflaxine as I clearly don’t need it and nothing in my life could possibly be bad, I mean think of all those people out there who are worse off. And while I’m about it, why don’t I just take some nice herbal remedies because those are so much better than the carefully researched, medically approved alternative.

I did have an interview today courtesy of my ickle brother (what’s life coming to when you rely on younger siblings to get you work), doing stockroom work. They reckon they might be able to offer me something up to 13 hours a week. Not a lot but better than nowt right. Except for;
1) It would mostly be weekends so I’d see Nick even less than I do already
2) It really ain’t what I want to do
3) The pay’s shit
But I should be grateful to maybe have something right?

p.s. When trying to cheer oneself up by browsing t’internet don’t be tempted to take depression tests especially if you’re going to find you score off the scale for severe depression in all of them, even the one aimed at geriatrics.

p.p.s. Does anyone know how to block access to solitaire on my laptop as I can become strangely obsessed with it. My mind forms weird links like if I can win another game everything will be alright and I’m achieving even less than I owuld do otherwise because of it.