Bored.

I’m bored of feeling like this. I’m bored of considering a day good if I’ve only thought about topping myself 3 or 4 times. Please tell me that this is not normal? I’m so used to living this way that I’m not entirely sure it’s not how it’s meant to be and that everyone really feels like this, they just hide it better. I’m bored of fighting with myself and everyone else over nothing. I’m bored of over-analysing things so that even the most innocuous of comments seems like an unforgivable insult. I’m bored of everything I try and do to make things better just making it worse. I’m bored of being uneployed. I’m bored of having no friends and nobody to talk to.

I want out of this, I want to be well. I want to live a normal life, or as close to normal as everyone else is. Is this too much to ask? THe problem is I don’t know how to get there.

I spent a long time on the phone to someone last night, which is a miracle in itself, me on the phone?! It helped. Just talking to someone who isn’t one of the three people I normally see. I have a feeling I rambled and that he now knows more about my life than he probably wanted but I’m really grateful. Thanks 🙂 I now have a to do list that I’ going to be forced to accomplish including taking on some voluntary work just to get me out of the house. Lets hope I can do it.

The problem is when you’re so apathetic, that achieving nothing makes you exhausted, how do you go on to achieve something? I’ve made a drs appointment, I want to beat this but I’m not strong enough and I don’t know how.

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2 Responses to Bored.

  1. Lola Snow says:

    It’s not normal, but it is normal for you right now. It will pass, and life does get better. There will be a time soon where you will not be able to phathom what the hell you were thinking now! I swear, it becomes like a weird dream when you get well.

    Great work for calling someone, and I’ll hazard a guess that wasn’t easy to do. But I am so glad that you felt better afterwards. I used to find that I bottled stuff up more than I even imagined and once I started talking, the starting was the hard bit, I was like a gushing tap that just couldn’t stop. It is so good for you, in fact I need to start doing it again because it really does move things along quicker. It pins you more into the real world too, by making things seem more real, and less cold and unreal. You should feel chuffed that you did that, because it is hard to open up if you are feeling vunerable.

    Lola x

  2. What Lola said. Most people don’t fantasize about their own deaths, but it’s easy for it to become a familiar part of life when that life feels unbearable.

    I’ve always found that it takes less energy to ‘achieve’ something than the energy which seems to get drained just from feeling lousy. Try not to be too hard on yourself with the list though – it could easily turn into another weapon which you can beat yourself with. ‘Forced’ is such a strong word and it sounds like you want to make yourself do things against your will – life shouldn’t be a punishment.

    May I suggest SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timed). And reward yourself for what you do achieve – sometimes getting out of bed can feel like an accomplishment.

    You don’t need to know how to recover or feel that you have the strength – you just need to keep going and to take it one day at a time. Besides it’s as much the doctor’s job to provide ideas and advice (it’s collaborative which means you don’t have to do all the work on your own).

    Anyway I don’t know if any of that helps or makes you feel worse.

    Take care,
    Differently

    PS Thanks for dropping by my blog earlier.

    PPS You may need to update your profile so that your name in the comments threads links back here, because it doesn’t seem to on the comment you left.

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