Today I’m completely devoid of inspiration/motivation or anything positive. I had been doing so well. I went to the interview and answered the questions with some form of sanity. The issue is it’s clear from my age and looking at my CV that the job would very much be a stepping stone and I suspect they wanted someone who they know will be there for the long run. I tried to convince them but I don’t think I had much luck. I was also a bit dissociated so to me my voice felt slightly slurry and wirds kept tripping over each other and I think I rambled somewhat. But what’s done is done and I’m unlikely to know until early next week anywho.
I’m starting to realise that bad experiences with NHS occy health and mental health are not confined to me. This scares me. I want to be a nurse, in as much as I want to be alive that is what I want. I’m starting to realise this is going to be a lot more difficult than I initially anticipated. I have the experience and the passion but I also have the crazy. I think we’re on a cusp with the NHS and crazy. In the past, you wouldn’t have a hope and would probably just be locked up for life anyway. Now new anti-discrimination legislation and the power of lawyers, means they have to start taking it slightly more seriously. If anyone cares, the relevant policy can be found here. Basically it states what rights you have and what occupational health have to do. However, a lot of occy health people seem to be living in the past and basing their views on The Clothier Inquiry, 1994, an investigation into a truly crazy nurse who turned out to be a serial killer.
The report recomended that people with mental health difficulties be completely free of symptoms and treatment for at least 2 years prior to be considered for NHS employment. As stated in the above policy, this recommendation was never adopted by the NHS. However, occy health drs and nurses tend to get scared by crazy, something of which they generally have no knowledge, and go for the option of signing you off or not clearing you in the first place. Now technically they can’t do that. You have to have a psych review and all sorts according to the policy. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be being followed, certainly not in my case. They told me I needed a psych review but then fired me before I had one, as I shouldn’t have had occy health clearance in the first place. But according to the policy, you need a psych review before occy health clearance can be rejected anyway. This is a shame as all my many and varied psychs have said there’s nothing whatsoever to stop me working in health care yet I’ve clearly been stopped and will probably be stopped again.
Now back to what I said about being on the cusp, enough people have to be prepared to fight their treatment by occy health at this stage in order to change the prevailing climate and make it easier for people in the future where policies are actually followed and discrimination is not allowed. Now this is just my opinion, I could be misinterpreting the information. I’m sure there must be good occy health staff out there, I’m just yet to meet them.
Which leads to the question of am I strong enough to take up the fight? I don’t feel like it. I spent last night in tears again because of the lack of support I’m getting. I was being truly obnoxious to Nick because I was after a fight. I end up saying whatever the most hurtful thing I could possibly say in any situation whether I mean it or not.
I still have no support network in place. Given I got a crisis referral to CMHT last Friday and a standard referral about a week before that you think they’d have got back to be by now. I need someone to talk to/at and to make me feel a bit less bonkers. I’m at home on me own all day as everyone has now gone back to work full time. Nick’s even doing an extra shift on Saturday so I won’t even get a weekend with him. He’d agreed it before I really flipped, but I’m feeling very needy at the moment, and selfishly I wish he’d pull out. But he needs space from me because I’m not a very nice person at the moment.
I’m glad my pills have been taken away from me because I’m really unstable again right now. I’d go down and see my GP, but I’ll just get sent home again no matter what I say or do. I did consider smashing up the surgery but thought I’d probably just end up in prison and that would really ruin any maybe future.
On the plus side, it’s snowing again, I like the snow.