I’ve actually had a fairly productive weekend. Went along to a taster day for adult education courses and did some creativey stuff. Made a pair of silver earrings and what is goign to be a felt bag when I finish sewing it up. My parents have even paid for me to do a 10 week evening course in jewellery making which should be fun.*
Then I went to IKEA and bought new furniture so I actually have storage space rather than piles of rubbish everywhere. So building that took up most of Sunday. Then I went out for dinner. It was nice.
You see, all this sounds like the sort of weekend anyone would have. I mean I even almost enjoyed it. But the fact is it’s not real. I don’t really feel happy. I’m doing all these things that imply having a future – buying furniture, signing up for courses – when I really don’t see a future for me. Who knows, now I just sound like I’m whinging. But it’s important to me that everyone thinks I’m fine. I need people to believe I’m coping. I don’t know why, maybe if they didn’t I’d have more chance accessing help and understanding. But I’ve been doing this most my life, putting on a front, pretending everything’s ok. I suppose in some way it makes me feel stronger, maybe if I can act everything being ok well enough, it will actually become true.
* I’m actually really scared of posting this because it gives more of an insight into the sort of person I am and what I do for fun. It’s strange that I can be totally upfront about my mentalness online but posting something like that scares the hell out of me. I’m worried people will judge me on the activities I do, think I’m some sort of freak and then stop “talking” to me. You see, I’m doing what I always do, imagining a relationship with the people who read this that probably isn’t even there. I always do this, meet people, make “friends”, go above and beyond for them, get betrayed, get heart broken, cry. I know that’s what I do, that’s why I try to not have any friends as they invariably let you down. And I’m terrified I’m doing the same thing here.