Putting on a front

I’ve actually had a fairly productive weekend. Went along to a taster day for adult education courses and did some creativey stuff. Made a pair of silver earrings and what is goign to be a felt bag when I finish sewing it up. My parents have even paid for me to do a 10 week evening course in jewellery making which should be fun.*

Then I went to IKEA and bought new furniture so I actually have storage space rather than piles of rubbish everywhere. So building that took up most of Sunday. Then I went out for dinner. It was nice.

You see, all this sounds like the sort of weekend anyone would have. I mean I even almost enjoyed it. But the fact is it’s not real. I don’t really feel happy. I’m doing all these things that imply having a future – buying furniture, signing up for courses – when I really don’t see a future for me. Who knows, now I just sound like I’m whinging. But it’s important to me that everyone thinks I’m fine. I need people to believe I’m coping. I don’t know why, maybe if they didn’t I’d have more chance accessing help and understanding. But I’ve been doing this most my life, putting on a front, pretending everything’s ok. I suppose in some way it makes me feel stronger, maybe if I can act everything being ok well enough, it will actually become true.

* I’m actually really scared of posting this because it gives more of an insight into the sort of person I am and what I do for fun. It’s strange that I can be totally upfront about my mentalness online but posting something like that scares the hell out of me. I’m worried people will judge me on the activities I do, think I’m some sort of freak and then stop “talking” to me. You see, I’m doing what I always do, imagining a relationship with the people who read this that probably isn’t even there. I always do this, meet people, make “friends”, go above and beyond for them, get betrayed, get heart broken, cry. I know that’s what I do, that’s why I try to not have any friends as they invariably let you down. And I’m terrified I’m doing the same thing here.


8 Responses to Putting on a front

  1. I know what you mean about being scared that people won’t like you if you reveal too much. I think it comes from low self-esteem. Or at least I’m trying to convince myself of this – I think it’s a case of I don’t like myself so don’t see why anybody else should either.

    Oh and you don’t sound like you’re whinging – I think we’ve all been there, going through the motionss of life without really seeing a future. But it’s preferable to the alternative, you just need to keep going one day at a time.

    Jewelry making sounds like fun.

    Take care,

    PS This comment was supposed to sound positive, but I’m not sure that’s how it comes across, so I apologise if it doesn’t.

  2. Lola Snow says:

    Kudos for jewellery making! I make necklaces and stuff too, it’s an awesome hobby Ana. Out one of my fellow ED fightclub bloggers Erika makes amazing jewellery as well. When you’ve made some, post pictures on face book and i’ll post some of mine too. I love seeing peoples arty crafty stuff!! If people decide not to like you for your hobbies, then there is something wrong with them, not with you.

    Hang in there with the not feeling happy thing. I’ve noticed if you push down the not feeling happy, it makes it harder to feel anything, ie happiness too. Making yourself numb and bottling things up, works both ways.

    Lola x

  3. Mary says:

    Hey Ana I’m thinking of you. And you don’t sound whingy and I love you however and whoever you are. Just email if you want to. Whatever, I’m looking forward to seeing you in a couple of months so stay safe love.

  4. aims says:

    It’s very hard to open up ourselves to the unknown – to let others see inside. It’s almost like getting a probe from aliens.

    You are taking uncertain baby steps – touching the water – is it hot or cold?

    You’re actually doing an incredible job just by doing this.

    Seeing life through a veil is very common I think. It’s a protection sort of thing – one that a lot of us carry around.

    The fact that you are taking a jewelry course makes me a tad jealous. I love shiny stuff. I think I’m part magpie or crow.

  5. Purple nails says:

    I do like the jewelry making also, but only the silver kind, the kind with beads is too fiddly and annoying for my liking, I don’t have the patience for it. But I am sure you have heard enough about how accepable everyone things jewelry making is as a hobby, well I’m not really sure sure obviously, but I know that if you were me (and I am fully aware that you are not) you would be over the jewelry based comments by now.

    There is a book called Dry you might have read, by the same guy who wrote running with scissors. It is not a pretty, heartwarming happy glow kind of book to be clear here, but I thought it was kind of beautiful. Although I think it was better because I read running with scissors first, although I think they really are very different. Anyway, I am not reccommending it, or reviewing it either.

    Where I was going with this was, that in the book where Augusten is at rehab (one of the times), one of the things they have him do is take a “chart of emotion” around with him everywhere and he has to regularly look at the chart to figure out which emotion he is feeling. The “chart” is an A4 sheet with emoticons and the emotion word underneath, eg jealous, hurt, afraid, amused, curious, etc. Now I realise this does probably sound utterly moronic but stick with me here. If you are depressed you probably are feeling numb more than specific emotions (I know some other folks said this already). So I think it would really help you to try to rediscover how to identify emotion. I think that if you printed out a bunch of emotions and everytime something happened or didnt happen you tried to pick out an emotion it could be a first step to feeling something. Or if not it’ll at least be an opportunity to enjoy the madness that is consulting emoticons in the name of mental health.

    Now I realise that I must sound not so much crazy as really really stupid to be suggesting something to someone who has been through as much as you have, that I read from a book. But I can asure you that I am not really that stupid, well I cant really “asure” you here as I realise I did choose the name Purple Nails and my spelling is at best hit and miss. But try to take my word for it – I’m not a total dumbass.

    Anyway and more importantly perhaps than all of that. I wish you the very best wishes and lots of love. And hope your tomorrow is happier (or at least features emoticons), or maybe it would be better to just read the book. Although it is a pretty offensive book, so you have been warned. Back to the point – bye bye and good things!

  6. Purple nails says:

    OK actually the book is really really depressing in places. so i am really not recommending it, I was recommending the chart of emotion thing. sorry, just wanted to clarify xx

  7. Chapati says:

    Hey, jewellry making sounds amazing! Wish I had an artistic bone in my body

    Don’t be afraid to open up with who you are, it makes you an interesting person to get to know. Everyone you meet in life is always very different, and its sharing our interests with each other which makes us curious and eventually friends. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been bitten by friends in the past, but honestly it’ll be refreshing to have a friend where you can just be yourself and be loved for it. You can’t find that friend unless you are yourself with them.

  8. Mary says:

    Hey ana time for another blog. How you doing?

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