So, I had my interview after a deadly dull three hour drive to get there. The A1 really is the most sleep inducing piece of road I’ve ever had the misfortune to experience. Interview was a joke to be honest – a completely informal 10 minute chat along the lines of “why do you want to be a nurse” and “where do you want to be in 5 years time”. Long and short of it is I got an offer. Woo! Don’t mean to sound arrogant but they seemed pretty desperate to have me, even wondering if I wanted to start in March rather than September.
The only issue is that the offer is conditional on enhanced CRB disclosure and occy health clearance. The CRB bit shouldn’t be a problem unless I murder someone in the intervening 6 months which is unlilely but the occy health bit is pretty much a no go. Doesn’t help that I was reading advice online, looking for info on the format of interviews and read something about someone concerned about an interview with occy health. Response was “don’t worry, you’ll be fine unless you have a personality disorder or something”. Great, just great. Still by then I’ll have a brand new shrink, maybe a new diagnosis (I do have a habit of accumulating them) and hopefully a piece of paper to say that I’m stable enough to survive the course that occy health will listen to.
In other news, my jewellery making course has been cancelled due to not enough people sgining up. TO be honest the way my life is, I should really have expected that. Something I’m looking forward to actually happening, don’t be daft.
I got a letter through from SJA occy health witch to confirm my fitness (or lack thereof). It’s ridiculous, the only thing she’s stopping me doing is the advanced training. So I’m still allowed to go out on duty, where the likelihood is I’ll be the person making ultimate clinical judgements on casualties. There’s a fair chance there will only be 1 or 2 other members present so think what chaos I could cause! But I’m not allowed to do a course that will give me some more advanced skills in order to better treat and assess people when on those duties. The decision seems to have been based on a complete lack of understanding of mental health, but again, what was I expecting.
And the worst part of it all is I just don’t care. My life is disintegrating around me and I can’t summon up the energy to give a damn. I know it’s the drugs. Without them I can’t function. I end up collapsed in a corner crying continuously, screaming at everyone, being desperately dependant on or passionately hating Nick (and switching between the two at 5 minute intervals) or better yet start hallucinating. But at least I feel. With them, there’s nothing. In a detatched way I know everything’s broken but it’s like it doesn’t matter (even though I know it does). And conversely when I got the offer I should have been delighted, but it was just another pointless event in another pointless existence. So there’s just nothing, no real emotion on the surface, although deep down it is there and I feel like crap. At least it makes it easy to act like everythings fine, put on a front so the world doesn’t know what it’s done to me.
Oh and today is the first day I officially have more debt on my credit card than money to pay it back in my current account. I am officially broke and still as close as you can get to unemployed. I do have a couple of first aid companies wanting to pay me to do freelance training which is good but it’s taking a long time to get everything set up, and even when it is, I don’t know if there will be enough work to pay the bills. Still, one of them wants to pay me £lots/hr so I suppose there wouldn’t need to be that much work in order to get by.