Woo, damn, woo, damn

So, I had my interview after a deadly dull three hour drive to get there. The A1 really is the most sleep inducing piece of road I’ve ever had the misfortune to experience. Interview was a joke to be honest – a completely informal 10 minute chat along the lines of “why do you want to be a nurse” and “where do you want to be in 5 years time”. Long and short of it is I got an offer. Woo! Don’t mean to sound arrogant but they seemed pretty desperate to have me, even wondering if I wanted to start in March rather than September.

The only issue is that the offer is conditional on enhanced CRB disclosure and occy health clearance. The CRB bit shouldn’t be a problem unless I murder someone in the intervening 6 months which is unlilely but the occy health bit is pretty much a no go. Doesn’t help that I was reading advice online, looking for info on the format of interviews and read something about someone concerned about an interview with occy health. Response was “don’t worry, you’ll be fine unless you have a personality disorder or something”. Great, just great. Still by then I’ll have a brand new shrink, maybe a new diagnosis (I do have a habit of accumulating them) and hopefully a piece of paper to say that I’m stable enough to survive the course that occy health will listen to.

In other news, my jewellery making course has been cancelled due to not enough people sgining up. TO be honest the way my life is, I should really have expected that. Something I’m looking forward to actually happening, don’t be daft.

I got a letter through from SJA occy health witch to confirm my fitness (or lack thereof). It’s ridiculous, the only thing she’s stopping me doing is the advanced training. So I’m still allowed to go out on duty, where the likelihood is I’ll be the person making ultimate clinical judgements on casualties. There’s a fair chance there will only be 1 or 2 other members present so think what chaos I could cause! But I’m not allowed to do a course that will give me some more advanced skills in order to better treat and assess people when on those duties. The decision seems to have been based on a complete lack of understanding of mental health, but again, what was I expecting.

And the worst part of it all is I just don’t care. My life is disintegrating around me and I can’t summon up the energy to give a damn. I know it’s the drugs. Without them I can’t function. I end up collapsed in a corner crying continuously, screaming at everyone, being desperately dependant on or passionately hating Nick (and switching between the two at 5 minute intervals) or better yet start hallucinating. But at least I feel. With them, there’s nothing. In a detatched way I know everything’s broken but it’s like it doesn’t matter (even though I know it does). And conversely when I got the offer I should have been delighted, but it was just another pointless event in another pointless existence. So there’s just nothing, no real emotion on the surface, although deep down it is there and I feel like crap. At least it makes it easy to act like everythings fine, put on a front so the world doesn’t know what it’s done to me.

Oh and today is the first day I officially have more debt on my credit card than money to pay it back in my current account. I am officially broke and still as close as you can get to unemployed. I do have a couple of first aid companies wanting to pay me to do freelance training which is good but it’s taking a long time to get everything set up, and even when it is, I don’t know if there will be enough work to pay the bills. Still, one of them wants to pay me £lots/hr so I suppose there wouldn’t need to be that much work in order to get by.

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3 Responses to Woo, damn, woo, damn

  1. Chapati says:

    Well done on your interview!

    I’m sorry you’re still feeling crap, much hugs your way 🙂

  2. aims says:

    When do you see the new shrink? You need to talk to him about how the drugs are making you feel – flat.
    They (hopefully) should be able to adjust them so that you feel more up. Are you taking Wellbutrin?

    btw – Know this. Eventually it will get better and you’ll be able to function again on your own – without the drugs. It’s true. It might take years – but it can happen. And you’ll remember what it is like to feel things and to care.

    I’m delighted that the interview was a success. I knew you could do it. Now lets get occy health to kiss your ass!

  3. Well done on the interview. As far as Occy Health are concerned, I’m not sure if they need to know specific diagnoses – on the form I filled in the questions were more along bouts of depression, self-harm etc. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it goes OK for you.

    Oh and I’d ignore most of the advice read on line – it’s generally given by people who don’t know what they are talking about. I know of nurses who have a PD diagnosis, and besides they wouldn’t be allowed to discriminate, decisions on fitness to practice are supposed to be decided on a case by case basis. After all if you pick any diagnosis then you’ll have all sorts of people ranging from “you wouldn’t know it” right through to “not really functioning at all” – any diagnosis.

    As far as SJA occy health – at least she didn’t pull your clearance completely – not sure if she’d had the power, and not much consolation I know.

    Sorry that you’re feeling crap – the numbness can suck as much as the mood swings.

    Take care,
    Differently

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