My emotions are still all over the shop but I can deal with that. The base level of happiness though is definitely higher which is what really matters. It’s hard when the down or the angry strikes but I’m getting through it slightly more easily and returning to a better place afterwards. I never thought I’d get as far as I have so I’m doing pretty well I guess.
Still working on the keeping busy principal. I’m off to Newcastle tomorrow until Thursday to annoy my ickle brother at university. Never really been there so it should be a laugh. He has a posh flat on the Quayside with his girlfriend, so unless the Tyne floods very rapidly I should have fun. The rest of my family are off to Japan next weekend. My mum is convinced that if I’m left on my own for more than a few hours I’ll spontaneously combust or something so they’re paying for me to go to Bulgaria for a week. A family friend has a house there and will be around at the same time. I’m planning to drink lots of cheap wine and do very little else. Woo!
I notice my writing is less fluent and flowing when I’m slightly happier. It’s partly because I’m trying to avoid voicing my more negative thoughts in case they reinfect my brain from the keyboard. I miss Nick so much it hurts, I’ve treated him so badly recently and that hurts too. My mind is spending more time than I’d like dwelling on the ethics of leaving someone who’s sick because although I hate to admit it I am sick at the moment. I’ve been letting the sickness control me and take my personality but now I’m fighting back. I suppose without the impetus of being dumped, I’d never have found that drive but it still bothers me, particularly since I want to restart the relationship when we’re both ready (and if he wants to of course!). It concerns me that if he’d leave when I’m ill now, what’s to stop him doing the same if, for example I have a stroke and need a lot of care. I know it’s a very different set of circumstances and I can’t live on concerns about what would happen “if” but still… It doesn’t stop me loving him, I don’t think anything could do that. Usually I am awful for holding grudges against people for any perceived insult, but in leaving he hurt me more than anyone else could and yet I still can’t feel anything but concern and affection for him. Odd.
Aywho, happy, positive thoughts and vibes to all!