Pissed off.

That’s how I feel right now and it’s so pointless. Nick is out on duty with St John. I didn’t want him to go. It’s an ambulance duty so obviously I wasn’t invited as I’m far too crazy to do the course that would enable me to do so. So I’m pissed off enough that he went. I know it’s not meant to but it feels like he’s rubbing it in my face that he has the qualification and is invited to do all this stuff while I have to sit around at home doing the laundry and cooking his bloody dinner. I desperately want to be imcluded. I’ve always felt left out of everything, like there’s some big party going on that everyone but me is invited too. IT’s not like he doesn’t fuck about on an ambulance as his main job anyway – he works for St John who are contracting out an Ambulance to Yorkshire Ambulance Service for anyone who didn’t know. It’s a job I’d love to do. And every day he comes home telling stories of how he made some life saving diagnosis or just made a difference in somebodies life while I’ve done sweet nothing as per usual. It also means he works stupid hours and so I don’t see him very much in the week. Weekends were meant to be our time but no, it’s just another chance to remind me of another thing I can’t do because of this bloody stupid condition.

But even that’s not the real problem. He said he’d be home by 4 at the very latest. Actually what he probably said was something like “I’ll try to be home at 4 bar any delays”. But that’s not what my mind hears. It zones in on the specifics – 4 – and misses the maybes and the uncertainty. It builds up in my head to an unbreakable promise, I will be home by 4 come what may. So to me it’s just another promise broken. I don’t know how to stop this, this turning every half statement into a promise that if broken destroys me.

I probalby shouldn’t publish this as I know not only Nick but also his parents read this but to be honest right now I really don’t give a damn.


2 Responses to Pissed off.

  1. […] why do it? Further to this, I’ve shouted at Nick and I’ve cried, I even nearly hit him, but when it comes down to […]

  2. aims says:

    Oh sweetie!

    I go through exactly the same thing. Exactly.

    I feel so totally useless – unable to work – unable to make a contribution to our household. I always go around saying how useless and stupid I am and I too fly right off the handle when The Man is a just a little bit late. Or – I accuse him of having an affair! The Man?! Gawds!

    I would love to rip my head off sometimes and sew my mouth shut.

    Then I try to think of the good things I have. Like the ability to stay home and do what I want. The chances of sleeping in if I want or napping in the afternoon. These are things I would never have done before I got sick. Just wandering. But now – it is my life and has been for 11 years. You’d think I’d be use to it by now but I still rail against it. I do.

    So I know how you feel. I do.

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