So why do it?

Further to this, I’ve shouted at Nick and I’ve cried, I even nearly hit him, but when it comes down to it, it’s my fault. My fault that I’m unable to distinguish between an offhand comment and a promise, my fault that everything seems to be a personal insult when really it’s just everyday behaviour. Recently with all that I’ve gone through, I’ve gained a lot of understanding into the fuckedupness of a lot of my everyday thought patterns and behaviours. I’ve begun to realise that things I’ve always done aren’t normal.  Instead of helping me to come to terms with stuff, this has just made everything 10 times worse.

Before whatever I did and whether it was right or not I had the courage of my convictions. I felt that what I was saying and how I was interpreting things was the only way. That there was just a black and a white. That what I said was right no matter what. My way or the highway.  Now I’m realising there is a grey but I can’t make my mind think in it. My mind  processes information into those two colours with nothing in between but despite my attempts to deny it, there is an intermediate. So now I still behave in the same way, still compartmentalise into those two zones, still exaggerate offhand remarks to life or death promises but now I know it’s wrong. And yet I can’t stop.

So now I don’t only hate myself for the consequences of my thought processes, I hate myself for the thought processes themselves. The one thing I had that I thought was always right is wrong and I can’t change it. I don’t even know where to begin.

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3 Responses to So why do it?

  1. Lola Snow says:

    It’s not something which you can change over night, and I doubt very much that you are alone in seeing that sometimes your actions and thoughts are out of whack but not being able to change them. I knew for years and years that my ED was totally screwy, but carried on anyway just adding an extra dollop of self hatred to the already growing pile of everyday shit. That certainly doesn’t hel[, beating yourself is fairly self defeating.

    When push comes to shove, it’s a disorder, not a simple choice. It’s not going to be something that you can just spot and say “Oh ok, I’m not going to feel like that anymore”. At least not without the correct support.

    Whilst I understand the way you acted might have been unhelpful, relax a bit Ana. You are going through a really rough time at the moment. Shouting at people obviously doesn’t help, but it’s not easy losing the thing that you love to do, having to change your future plans, but watch your partner still living his dream. It’s no ones fault, just a shit situation to be in.

    Lola x

  2. Chapati says:

    I know its not easy, but it’s like Lola said – when life is going badly it is really easy to use the ones closest to you as an outlet for your pain (I’ve been there before I realised what I was doing) but also equally hard for people to take it (I’ve been there too and no matter how much you care for someone, no matter how much you understand, everyone has a breaking point).

    If you want some help with this send me an email and we can discuss it offline.

  3. aims says:

    Lola and Chapati have said it perfectly.

    I will add that you WILL eventually get better. You will. This is probably close to the farthest down you will be. The rest is up.

    I suggest adding a Stress B Complex to your vitamin regimen and also LOTS of fish oil. These both work on your brain. You can’t take tons of B vitamins but you can with fish oil and it seems to help. It’s helped me. When I’m feeling particularly screwy I up my fish oil. Henry North London is a firm believer in this.

    Or have a look at truehope.com – Their vitamins really do work. My best friend is walking proof of it. However – they are really expensive. But their support system is unbelieveable! If you can – have a peek.

    And – you know my addy. You can write me and rant any time you want. I’m happy to help.

    Thinking of you.

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