Further to this, I’ve shouted at Nick and I’ve cried, I even nearly hit him, but when it comes down to it, it’s my fault. My fault that I’m unable to distinguish between an offhand comment and a promise, my fault that everything seems to be a personal insult when really it’s just everyday behaviour. Recently with all that I’ve gone through, I’ve gained a lot of understanding into the fuckedupness of a lot of my everyday thought patterns and behaviours. I’ve begun to realise that things I’ve always done aren’t normal. Instead of helping me to come to terms with stuff, this has just made everything 10 times worse.
Before whatever I did and whether it was right or not I had the courage of my convictions. I felt that what I was saying and how I was interpreting things was the only way. That there was just a black and a white. That what I said was right no matter what. My way or the highway. Now I’m realising there is a grey but I can’t make my mind think in it. My mind processes information into those two colours with nothing in between but despite my attempts to deny it, there is an intermediate. So now I still behave in the same way, still compartmentalise into those two zones, still exaggerate offhand remarks to life or death promises but now I know it’s wrong. And yet I can’t stop.
So now I don’t only hate myself for the consequences of my thought processes, I hate myself for the thought processes themselves. The one thing I had that I thought was always right is wrong and I can’t change it. I don’t even know where to begin.