I probably shouldn’t stoop to replying to this, to feel I have to justify what I write. My intention when I started a blog was that it would be the equivalent of the paper journals I’ve kept over the years. Somewhere to write down my thoughts and fears and talk about my life. I never stopped to consider that people would actually read it. I know I’m not a particualrly good writer, I know I don’t have an interesting life but for better or worse, it’s my life and it’s my right to describe it as I see fit. It was never meant to turn into an emo account of how much my life sucks, let me go cut my wrists, dress in black and write depressing poetry. For a start, I’m much more a pink person and secondly my poetry is even worse than my normal writing. Unfortunately, at this stage in my life, I am being ruled by being mentally ill and the problems that is throwing in my path. I don’t want that, I’d rather be able to describe how wondrous everything is, but I have to be honest. It helps me to write things down, I’ve had a lot of support and some very useful advice.
I knew when I posted those last few posts that starting to write about Nick would be controversial. As I’ve never tried to keep my identity more than passingly secret and he’s made even less effort, people know we come as a pair. He blogs in his own right (go check it out here, it’s a much better read than this) and we share a lot of out readership. Writing about him was always going to inspire split loyalties but he’s a crucial part of my life and feelings for him underpin a lot of my feelings for other events. The course of true love never did run smooth, and true love with two types of mental thrown into the mix is even less smooth. But I do love him, completely and without question. He is my link to reality, if it wasn’t for him things would be a lot worse than they are even now.
So, there was one comment on my last post that inspired the above introduction. It’s allegedly by Chris, but the style of writing doesn’t match his normal eloquence and I really hope he wouldn’t stoop so low. I could say I’m above letting such pettyness affect me, but I do try to be honest with what I write and unfortunately that would be a lie. My self esteem and confidence is at rock bottom already, anything to make it worse tilts me further towards the brink of complete breakdown. I know I shouldn’t expect to get all positives and should be prepared for the odd negative remark, but as I said earlier I never imagined anyone would actually read this. So lets consider what was said:
seriusly dnt listen 2 chapati she has no idea wot shes tkin bout
Actually, Chapati has never been anything but a wonderful help. Her own writing makes me smile and she is a source of much sage advice for which I am very grateful. Now why on earth would I not listen to her and instead focus my attention on what some text speaking imbecile has to say?
pull urself 2gether girl, lyfe aint dat bad
Oh but of course, that magical depression cure all, just pull yourself together. Do you really think I wouldn’t do that if I possibly could? I know my life isn’t that bad compared to a lot out there but this is how it makes me feel. I can’t justify or begin to explain why it makes me feel this way and I really wish it didn’t but it does.
nd no1 really cares wot ur goin on bout.
Then why are you reading? And not just reading, wasting valuable seconds of your porn viewing time commenting?
u got food nd a house
True. Unfortunately again those aren’t things that protect you from mental illness.
nd if u cnt do nursin jus do sumfin else
But why shouldn’t I be allowed to do something that I want? You’re the one telling me to pull myself together, I’m trying to do that and go and do something worthwhile with my life. If I can’t do it, I genuinely have no idea what to do, I’d love to hear your alternatives? Maybe I should spend my life writing grammatical rubbish on peoples blogs.
nd stop usin nick in anger
I hate myself for “usin nick in anger”, I try not too. I suspect you don’t have a relationship (if you do, I feel really sorry for your partener), but if you did you’d realise it’s something that all couples do at some point. I have particular difficulties in controlling and regulating my emotions which means I behave worse than most, but I am doing my damndest to access therapy and improve.
if u dnt lyke him leave him alone
I don’t just like him, I love, adore and worship him. He is a wonderful guy, ok he’s not perfect and sometimes he really hurts me but it’s never intentional. As I said, I write about my life here and he’s a big part of that, so I will write about him and if we’ve argued it won’t always be positive. That in no way means I don’t like him. TO be honest, I believe he should leave me alone. I’m a big barrel of vindictive crazy, who’s scared of too much contact and spends most of her time suicidal. Must be a great catch for him. But he loves me too and we’re still together despite our many rough patches. He’s supporting me while I’m in crisis, and I’ve done the same for him in the past and would do so again without hesitation. In case you’ve missed the main point – I LOVE NICK!!!
This was never meant to turn into a 1000 words response to a two line comment but I am feelign verbose today and that’s the way it’s turned out. I am massively hurt by what was written, I won’t deny that, but I’m trying to make the best of it and not let it send me further down. This is not me saying I only want platitudes in comments (although ((hugs)) do make me feel warm and fuzzy), but I’d rather have helpful, considered advice than something that makes me want to attack it with a red correcting pen teacher style.