I know, 2 posts in one day, what is the world coming to? Private assessment is done. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a long time. I even cried which is rare for me in sessions as I don’t want to seem weak. It continues to disturb me how rationally I can discuss my disappointment at failing to overdose successfully and just how sane I sound while discussing something completely and utterly crazy. There was no couch which I was rather disappointed about but the location just promoted well being in it’s design, calming lighting, pictures on the walls, everything CMHT wasn’t.
I ranted about how the NHS had failed me so utterly in every respect and psychologist lady had to agree. And the result: they can help me. Woo! They’re considering either DBT or the Trauma Team (which I’m sure sounds more dramatic than it actually is). I’m more for the DBT route as I’ve read a lot of positives about it and it seems aimed at the sort of problems I experience. The downside is it will be expensive, very expensive.
So other than feeling completely emotionally drained, that’s a result. Or not. It’s me, things could never ever be that simple. Came home and my dearest mother was waiting to question me on the experience. Post hospital she’s been trying really hard and tending to go along with what I’ve been told but in the last few days we’ve come up against a wall. When the hospital shrink diagnosed me with BPD, he said it was a more mild case (ie I wasn’t in and out of A+E every week, I tried to keep my visits to every few months). Now I have a feeling my mum may have been using the internet to research this (and believe me my mum should never EVER be allowed anywhere near Dr. Google). So she’s convinced that I don’t have it and never will and is using what hospital shrink said to back this up, despite the fact she’s wilfully misinterpreting what he said. So the first thing when I got home was “did private psych agree with hospital shrinks diagnosis?”. Well firstly we didn’t really discuss diagnosis, it’s just a label after all. But she did agree that I had a lot of traits that if we were labelling would result in that as a diagnosis, hence the decision to use a DBT route. Mum’s reply, “Oh so we’re not labelling so you don’t have it then, that’s excellent”. Not what I said.
When I explained mine and private psychs concerns about costs of private treatment particulalry DBT, my mother replied “I know, it’s far too expensive, we wouldn’t be able to afford that”. So even when I get offered this private help, it’s unlikely I’ll be able to take it up due to financial constraints. I’ve always been the one whose tried to avoid private due to the cost and my parents have been the ones pushing me to take it up, claiming cost doesn’t matter. Except now I’ve been offered a solution, apparently price is all. I’m so angry right now I could scream. Even if it does turn out to be true, why say it then? It’s almost like she was angry that the treatment suggested backs up a diagnosis she doesn’t like and so decided to ruin the little bit of hope I had.
My life really is a comedy of errors. It really shouldn’t be possible for so many things to go so wrong.