Nick has left me. It’s the shittiest thing that could possibly happen at the end of 9 months of shit. He’s sick of being my carer and of us fighting and doing each other more harm than good. And to be honest, he’s got a point, I’m not a nice person to be around at the moment. I’m devastated beyond all belief, I didn’t know it was possible to cry that much.
But I still love him and I hope, pray and believe that he still loves me but the me I was, not the me I’ve become. I like that old me better too. So I’ve decided I’m going to get better. Not just for him but for my family, for the friends I haven’t alienated completely and most importantly for me. I’ve become defined by what I have, not who I am and it’s time that changed. So on this first day of Spring, I’m looking for a new beginning too.
When I search hard for the bit of future I can stil see, I see it with Nick. I believe in soul mates. In love at first sight. In the one. And to me he’s all of them and much much more.
But right now, this is about me. I need the space and I need the time to heal. I need to be selfish, to concentrate on me because deep down underneath all this shit, there’s an intelligent, happy, carefree girl waiting to get out. I just need to find and release her.
I’m not sure I fully believe that any of this is possible but I want to believe it and surely that’s the first step.