The end. Or is it?

Nick has left me. It’s the shittiest thing that could possibly happen at the end of 9 months of shit. He’s sick of being my carer and of us fighting and doing each other more harm than good. And to be honest, he’s got a point, I’m not a nice person to be around at the moment. I’m devastated beyond all belief, I didn’t know it was possible to cry that much.

But I still love him and I hope, pray and believe that he still loves me but the me I was, not the me I’ve become. I like that old me better too. So I’ve decided I’m going to get better. Not just for him but for my family, for the friends I haven’t alienated completely and most importantly for me. I’ve become defined by what I have, not who I am and it’s time that changed. So on this first day of Spring, I’m looking for a new beginning too.

When I search hard for the bit of future I can stil see, I see it with Nick. I believe in soul mates. In love at first sight. In the one. And to me he’s all of them and much much more.

But right now, this is about me. I need the space and I need the time to heal. I need to be selfish, to concentrate on me because deep down underneath all this shit, there’s an intelligent, happy, carefree girl waiting to get out. I just need to find and release her.

I’m not sure I fully believe that any of this is possible but I want to believe it and surely that’s the first step.


9 Responses to The end. Or is it?

  1. loopykate says:

    I’m not much of one for sending virtual {{hugs}} (nor real ones either) but I think this occaision deserves one.
    So {{hugs}}!
    And all power to you on your quest for health and happiness!

  2. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

    I’ve not much else to say really. Take care of yourself.


  3. Lola Snow says:

    This is such a good attitude to take. I’m sorry it ended, it must be really really hard right now to lose another bit of stability. But the fact that you are taking this off in a positive direction speaks volumes for your character, it really does.

    Ana, if you can take this situation as you have, and move on, then maybe one day you and Nick will be together again, but then maybe one day you’ll find you actually have changed so much you guys don’t fit together anymore. It’s so hard losing someone when you are a mess, but you still have YOU which might seem like a tiny concession when you don’t like yourself all that much, but that can change. You are so much stronger than you think you are.

    Lola x

  4. aims says:

    Lola Snow speaks volumes dear Ana.

    I’m so sorry Nick has left. That pain is not something you need at the moment. He seemed to be the one supporter you had right there.

    However – that being said – you did speak of so many upsets that were getting to you. You will do better just concentrating on you. Sure you’ll feel the loneliness – but you will discover you too.

    I keep saying there is a way out of this. It’s a very long journey that never ends – but boy – to feel your old self peeking through again is a joyous thing. I did it – you can too. I know you can.

    You ARE much stronger than you think. And you are incredibly smart – you’re going to find your way. I just know it.

    I’m here as always.

  5. Get some fish oil down you and get out for a walk every day and get some sunshine, you’ll soon brighten up…

    Its hard going at first but believe me little and often

    Its great when your true self returns Its taken me almost 2 years to get back to proper self where I tidy up spontaneously and enjoy doing it Speaking of which I have more to do Sorry to hear that a fire has been lit but you probably now have to look after yourself and care for yourself by yourself and thats no bad thing sometimes.

  6. Mary says:

    Oh hon thinking of you loads. And you have some wise friends here.


  7. Bailey says:

    I… wow. Did not see that coming, ever.

    I hope this ends up being a temporary low on the way to getting what’s truly best for you – both of you – whatever that might be. It sounds like you’re already on your way.

  8. […] Youwhatnow Day? I’m surprisingly busy at the moment, trying to find somewhere to live (see here) and a job for when mine ends mid-next week. So in an effort to provide something entertaining for […]

  9. Chris Rigby says:

    Hey, haven’t popped over here in a while, so the break-up came as a shock, but I just wanted to say that I’ve read your posts since, and you seem to be dealing with everything very well.

    Good luck, hope you continue the way you have been doing 🙂

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