Right I’m going to start using this blog to chart my attempts to get back on top of my life. I’ve no idea how successful I’m going to be but there’s a lot riding on this. Namely my entire future and whether or not I have one. I’m going to need a lot of support and even more red wine to get anywhere near close but I’ve got to give it a shot. At the moment I’m still crying all the time at every little detail. My bed seems big, cold and empty and it seems I have an almost insurmountable mountain to scale but for now I have determination.
I know it seems stupid less than 48 hours in but I’ve already learnt a lot about myself that I’d forgotten. I’ve been wallowing in self pity recently and haven’t really been trying to heal. Just assuming that there’s another disaster around the corner so what’s the point in trying when I’ll just get knocked back again. So, my realisations:
- There’s a difference between want and need. I always wondered why Nick got upset when I said I need him but now I realise that it implies a one way reliance not a two way relationship. I am coming to realise that life would cotinue without him and it wouldn’t all be bleak. But I do want him so much, there’s an empty hole in my chest where the relationship should be and that will not close.
- My parents aren’t that bad. They’ve been wonderful for the last two days and even managed to get a slight smile back on my face. They care deeply and I’ve been treating them incredibly badly. It’s not been a conscious choice but is something I need to rectify.
- Not all my friendships are destroyed beyond all repair. It’s going to take a lot of effort on my behalf to rebuild them but I must do it. I’ve been living in the shadows, I need to get out and live my own life.
- I’m stronger than I even dreamed.
The problem is that I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s tempting to think that with all those profound realisations that I’m already there but that would be ridiculous. There’s a lot more going on in my head than just an off few months. There are problems in my mind that I’m going to need a lot of assistance to work through but I’ll get there or try my very best to.
I have an emotion control self help book that uses DBT techniques and was recommended to me so I’m going to give that a go. And we’re going to wait for a quote from private psych and see how much we’ll be able to afford. The book is based around 6 assumptions and I’m going to put those here so I can look back and remind myself of them when I’m struggling.
- At present I’m doing the very best I can in dealing with my emotions.
- I want to do better and be more skillful in dealing with my emotions.
- I need to do better, try harder and be more motivated to change.
- I may not have created all my own problems, but I have to solve them anyway.
- I am currently unsatisfied with the way in which I deal with my emotions.
- I must learn new emotion skills and behaviours in all relevant contexts.
I’ve let my life drift. I’ve been such an idiot the last few months and it’s taken a very sharp shock to make me realise. I wish Nick had said he was only leaving temporarily until I recovered but that may not have had the same effect. I do believe I can get him back but only if I can get me back first. Call me stupid for thinking it, but love makes fools of us all.
Wish me luck!