Recovery, Day 6

Today I had an interview for nursing at another university. I was fairly sure I wanted to go to the place I already have an offer for but I wasn’t doing anything else today so thought I may as well make sure. I was pretty unimpressed to be honest. We were told there would be an introduction to the course (which would ave been useful!) but there was nothing of the sort. The people interviewing seemed to think my application was a joke. I know I’m quite well qualified to be appplying for nursing, but if it’s what I want… They spent ages telling me how bored I’d be and when I managed to convince them I was good at finding further reading etc if needed, they switched to telling me I wouldn’t have time for that because the course was very difficult and I’d be busy all the time. I was confused. My car nearly took off on the M1 it was that windy but other than that it was thoroughly uneventful.

Other than that, not a lot to be honest. I’m still coping, far better than I thought I would which is a plus. I miss having someone to share the little details of my life with, someone who understands my sense of humour and odd habits. I can’t believe how  much I’d taken everything for granted and how stupid that was. I’m managing to establish some little routine details that’s giving me some basic stability. Things like getting up at the same time (and a sensible time!) and having breakfast.  It’s not a lot but it helps.

I’m also getting better at identifying some of my more obvious negative thought processes. As long as I’m relatively calm and don’t get too carried away in the instant emotional hit, I can realise when what I’m thinking is unhelpful. But I don’t know how to stop and it’s so frustrating. I can’t stop the stupid thoughts, the self-hatred, the build up of little things until I explode. My emotions build up to epic, damaging proportions at nothing but cooling them down again is another matter. I know that realising something is the first step to beating it, but I can’t see how I’m going to get beyond this. This is what the therapy is going to help, at least I really hope it is.

I meant to sound more upbeat that this. I really am incredibly proud of myself, I just with I could see into the future, to know that everything is going to be ok and that this isn’t just a temporary improvement before another crash.


3 Responses to Recovery, Day 6

  1. Lola Snow says:

    I don’t know it this will help at all, but as a sticking plaster until you get some proper advice. Have you tried staying in the moment? It sounds like utter hippy tripe, and when I read about it for the urge to binge, I just thought it was complete waffle. However once I got good at it, and it does take some practice, it really helps.

    It’s like being really aware of what you are feeling, not to the thoughts themselves, because like you said that might not calm you down much, but just the feeling you are experiencing. Feeling the tenseness of your shoulders, or the way your stomach cramps up, or breathing changes. After a while it fades and is replaced by another, I think they call it mood surfing?

    The other trick is mindfulness. Bringing your attention back out of your head into the surroundings. Pushing your feet onto the floor if you are sitting down, and smelling the air, and pretty much anything you can do to “ground” yourself. I think the more you fall into your thoughts, the more likely they are to drown you?

    Other than that, just keep doing what you are doing, I think you’ve come so far in just a small amount of time. Take care Ana

    Lola x

  2. Lola Snow says:

    Having read that back, “Mindfullness” might cover all of that! x

  3. nickopotamus says:

    You’re doing hella awesome, don’t beat yourself up about it not progressing quick enough. Be very, very proud of the realisations you’ve made and all that you’ve achieved – I know I am proud of you.

    Of course it’s going to be alright. Maybe not as you originally expected, but as your outlook on life changes perhaps so will what you want. But it is going to be fine.

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