Recovery, Day 9

My emotions are still all over the shop but I can deal with that. The base level of happiness though is definitely higher which is what really matters. It’s hard when the down or the angry strikes but I’m getting through it slightly more easily and returning to a better place afterwards. I never thought I’d get as far as I have so I’m doing pretty well I guess.

Still working on the keeping busy principal. I’m off to Newcastle tomorrow until Thursday to annoy my ickle brother at university. Never really been there so it should be a laugh. He has a posh flat on the Quayside with his girlfriend, so unless the Tyne floods very rapidly I should have fun. The rest of my family are off to Japan next weekend. My mum is convinced that if I’m left on my own for more than a few hours I’ll spontaneously combust or something so they’re paying for me to go to Bulgaria for a week. A family friend has a house there and will be around at the same time. I’m planning to drink lots of cheap wine and do very little else. Woo!

I notice my writing is less fluent and flowing when I’m slightly happier. It’s partly because I’m trying to avoid voicing my more negative thoughts in case they reinfect my brain from the keyboard. I miss Nick so much it hurts, I’ve treated him so badly recently and that hurts too. My mind is spending more time than I’d like dwelling on the ethics of leaving someone who’s sick because although I hate to admit it I am sick at the moment. I’ve been letting the sickness control me and take my personality but now I’m fighting back. I suppose without the impetus of being dumped, I’d never have found that drive but it still bothers me, particularly since I want to restart the relationship when we’re both ready (and if he wants to of course!). It concerns me that if he’d leave when I’m ill now, what’s to stop him doing the same if, for example I have a stroke and need a lot of care. I know it’s a very different set of circumstances and I can’t live on concerns about what would happen “if” but still… It doesn’t stop me loving him, I don’t think anything could do that. Usually I am awful for holding grudges against people for any perceived insult, but in leaving he hurt me more than anyone else could and yet I still can’t feel anything but concern and affection for him. Odd.

Aywho, happy, positive thoughts and vibes to all!

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6 Responses to Recovery, Day 9

  1. aims says:

    I understand completely what you are saying about Nick. I wonder exactly the same thing. I hate to say that and go further with it. I’m thinking let’s just wait and see what happens with him (if anything). Maybe as the song says – “somebody fine will come along and make me forget about loving you” – Crosby Stills and Nash….

    Your always in my thoughts girl. Hope you know that.

  2. Lola Snow says:

    I’m with Aims on the take it as it comes. I do worry that stacking your hope for recovery on the idea that a relationship might rekindle is dangerous territory. I guess you’ve probably mulled that over though. I think you’ve moved mountains so far, and the determination you show is mindblowing. Not many people would have taken the lead and decided to go for it, many would have just turned their backs to the wall and given up. But as you know it’s likely to be a long process Ana, and who knows where it might take you? Maybe your first battle should be letting go of some of the guilt about the way you’ve been recently.

    So, you’ve treated people badly in the past, we’ve all done it (hell yes!!!), maybe time to draw a line and give yourself a fresh start? If you can?

    Lola x

  3. anickdaler says:

    #]555TY6122222222Q

  4. anickdaler says:

    Sorry, above is the result of trying to type with my rats on my desk!

    I’m trying not to link recovery to the want for the relationship. It’s hard when I care about him so much, but I’m getting better at it. Ultimately I want to get better for me, if that leads to the relationship that would be amazing, but if not then i’ll be ok if I can just be well enought to face the world. Who knows what the future holds, at least right now I feel I might have one!

    Am also giving the mindfullness a go (when I can get around my natural cynicism) – living in the moment, just letting my emotions go, not adding to them and not judging myself for feeling that way either now or in the past, or at least that’s the theory…

  5. loopykate says:

    You’re doing just great. It’s too soon after the ‘break-up’ to untangle all the feelings but you are dealing with it in an honest and aware way. I know how difficult it must be not to dwell on the relationship and the hope that you may have it back but you really need to push that as far out of your mind as you can. You need lots of ‘you’ time and lots of pampering. Things will get better for you – much better. I don’t know you but I feel quite certain of that!
    Take care.
    K.x

  6. Have fun in Newcastle and Bulgaria.

    Take care,
    Differently

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