Single life

So I’ve been single for just over a month now and I can honestly say I hate it. Don’t get me wrong, there have been benefits. I can now eat what I like without having to worry about the ingredients and I’ve managed to build a proper relationship with my parents who have been more fantastic than I ever thought possible. But it’s not enough.

Cooking for one just seems pointless. What’s the purpose in preparing a delicious meal if I’m the only one who’s going to enjoy it? The amount of effort involved just doesn’t seem worth it if there’s nobody to share it with. And to be honest, I never missed out because of Nick’s allergies. I enjoyed the challenge of cooking what I wanted in a way that he could share it too. And no matter how good a relationship I have with my parents, it’s not enough. They’re my parents, they want to enjoy each others company without me always there because I can’t cope with being alone.

I thought it was supposed to get easier with time but it doesn’t. I miss having someone to cuddle at night, someone to share the intimate details of my life with who understands. Someone who accepts me as me and just wanted me to be happy no matter what. I want him back so much it hurts. Most areas of my life are definitely on the up, I can see a future but without him to share it with, it’s not the same. I can get on fine on my own, I’m enjoying rediscovering my independence but I want someone to share the successes and the struggles with.

Every time something happens or every time I see something that makes me laugh or makes me think of him I want to pick up my phone and tell him all about it. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair. I don’t want to turn into some sort of creepy stalker ex who can’t let go of the past.

I want us to be able to give it another go but not just pick up from where we left off, that had gone badly wrong. I want to start again, take it slowly, get to know each other again, rediscover that magic that was there when we met but I don’t know how. I don’t dare ask him to go out with me in case he refuses. I’m too scared of the consequences of any action I might take. I know it would be different if we tried again, I wouldn’t make half the mistakes I made this time. I’m back in the state of wanting a partner not a carer.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I know I’m going to get shot down, told to move on and forget it, to stop being manipulative but that’s not my intention. I just need to get the thoughts out of my head.

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One Response to Single life

  1. aims says:

    Oh sweetie. I don’t think those thoughts just vanish when the person we love walks away. How can they? And it hurts all the time and the hurt makes us think of them all the time. It’s a very vicious circle.

    The only thing I can say from lots of experience is – eventually – and that’s a big eventually – you stop feeling this way. It might only be a slight lessening but eventually you do feel it and notice it. After that it just sort of fades.

    Emotional pain is the worst. Loneliness makes us do things we regret. Makes us think things that we never do when we are with someone.

    I’m so sorry that Nick left you. I really am. I thought the timing was terrible and I even discussed this with The Man who was astounded that he left when he did. He doesn’t think that was right either.

    However – that being said – you’ve come such a long way since he has gone. It made you sit up and take notice of other things. So there is some good out of it. Some.

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