Sleep is incredibly elusive at the moment. I just can’t get there. Either my mind is racing 19 to the dozen coming up with crazy scheme after insane plot to improve my life or I’m in floods of tears wondering how I can possibly cope or make it through another day – generally both within half hourly intervals. It’s at times like this I miss my little yellow sleepy pills (aka my beautiful bottle of valium). It quietens the mind and provides peace when there isn’t a lot of it around.
I’m not proud of seeking prescription relaxants but my body clock is getting buggered by my rediculous mind. I need a lot of sleep, always have. I used to be the grumpy one at sleepovers shouting at people because I wanted to sleep and they all wanted to sit up all night and gossip (I mean why call them sleepovers if there was clearly not going to be any sleep involved). So because I’m not getting to sleep until late, I’m finding it impossible to get up again in the mornings. I’ll set a sensibly timed alarm, make all these promises to myself about getting up when it goes off and then ignoring it and disappearing under the duvet for another few hours. Which obviously makes it even more difficult to sleep the following night.
I could go to my GP and I’m sure I’d get them but if I did, I don’t think I could trust myself given what I did to the last bottle. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not actively suicidal at the moment, actually a lot of the time I’m doing pretty damn well thank you very much, it’s just that one pill provides some peace ergo lots of pills provide lots of peace. I’d probably be ok but I’m just not prepared to take that risk so in the meantime I’ll battle on woth sleep where I can find it.