Stuck in the system.

I was first diagnosed with some sort of generic crazy back in 2006. Since then I’ve seen at least 5 doctors, 7 psychiatrists, 4 psychologists, a behavioural therapist and all manner of other shiny professionals I can’t think of right now (most for a maximum of half an hour each ever). I’ve taken 3 different antidepressants and one moodstabiliser, costing the NHS large sums of money in the process (and me £7.20 a month in prescription charges). I’ve visited A+E on a minimum of 4 occassions, had 3 ambulances called to me and spent 4 days on a ward. I’ve languished on a fair few waiting lists and seen 2 crisis teams. I’ve had all manner of diagnoses and cost my parents £500 in private assessments. And what has all this really achieved?

Since my first diagnosis I’ve buggered up my degree and lost the opportunity to get an incredibly well paid job that would have set me up for life. I’ve tried to kill myself twice and contemplated and planned it a million times more. I’ve alienated countless friends and scared away the love of my life. I’ve been effectively fired from one job and been barred from progressing any further in my hobby. My chosen future career could well be closed to me for good, I just don’t know.

And mentally I’m no further forward. Yes, I have an impressive sounding name that I can bandy around and blame certain behavioural traits on. I take the amusingly branded Tardcaps on a daily basis. But I’m still languishing at the bottom of those same waiting lists. I’m still waiting for some form of definitive help to clear up the quagmire in my mind that led me to seek help 3 years ago.

I hoped when I first sought that help that I was on the way to a brighter future, that my life would improve even just a little bit. I know I can’t say what would have happened had I never gone to the doctors and continued to struggle on alone as I had done in the past. I may have  still been sitting here writing a list of similar problems and questioning why I didn’t ask for assistance years ago. But when I made that decision to reach out, I hoped that no matter what, I’d be able to look back and be proud that I made the right decision for me. And I just can’t do it.


3 Responses to Stuck in the system.

  1. cbtish says:

    Well said. Send that to your MP. Send it to every MP.

    If you add up the internal cost within the NHS of all that, the NHS could easily have invested the money in effective treatment right at the start, and the Treasury would by now have recouped the cost in tax on your earnings alone. But instead not one of the professionals who have seen you was assessed for their effectiveness, or faces the sack for lacking it.

  2. aims says:

    Unfortunately – getting better is something that will be with you for the rest of your life. There is no instant solution to mental illness. Even the drugs are never the answer.

    What I have found is that it comes from within. Somewhere and at sometime we have to dig down and find ourselves once more. The self that we lost in our effort to become someone.

    It is often a long lonely journey – and one that we find ourselves sliding back on even when we have made leaps and bounds ahead.

    What you need to do is find that you deep in yourself and cling to it. Only you can do it.

    Those docs and meds and systems that fail – they really don’t care – perhaps there are too many of us for them to do so – I don’t know. Perhaps it’s because they refuse to acknowledge that it’s partly their fault – who knows?

    In the end – you. Not your lost loved one – you.

    We need to find again how precious we really are – how unique – even with our flaws and our mistakes. Then we can build perhaps a better model of ourselves over the years. The new six million dollar woman. Ya! (out of own pocket too)

  3. Ruth says:

    ‘Tardcaps’-I wondered what an earth these were so looked them up, bloomin Effexor XL hey, well now I have immense sympathy for you. I take these horrible pills everyday, you forget to take a dose and you are screwed. I cannot believe they actually market them as Tardcaps, wish I’d known that before I started taking them. O hand you are not the only one to be banded around the system, you are not alone, I am on 4 or maybe 5 psychiatrists, 2 doctors and a psychotherapist. Went back recently and they just up my dose of antidepressants and put me back on some other stuff. You are not alone. Oh yes and as for the Cambridge bicylces, I work in Academia and the incredibly bright folk in Cambridge on bicycles are probably missing some common sense, things that come to the rest of us naturally like how to tie your shoelace are beyond some of the brightest folk on this earth.

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