I’m not sure whether to write this or not. Maybe if I continue in blissful denial then things will turn around. I don’t want to confess to this, I don’t want to feel like a failure. I can be strong, keep portraying that facade to the world and nobody will know any better right?

I’m balanced on the edge, looking down into that deep, black, bottomless pit again. And I don’t know if I care enough to try and stop me falling. To be honest I think it may be too late even if I was prepared to fight. It just seems to me that life is ultimately pointless. Yes, you can have some good times and they’re fab and fun but they don’t last. Then the rest of the time you’re left with either darkness or dusk. The emptiness of not being  down as such just exisiting day to day with little to show for it and no sign of dawn ever coming round again. And the alternative? Let’s just not go there for now.

My life feels devoid of anything good going for it and my foothold on that edge is getting weaker all the time.


2 Responses to Teetering

  1. Lola Snow says:

    I’m sorry to hear things are so bleak Ana, lord knows I’ve been there myself. I know it sounds empty when people say it gets better, but it is true. It really does get easier. There is so much beauty and point to life, but it takes time to see it. Please hang in there, whilst it might seem like you are alone, you are cared about by many people.

    Lola x

  2. nickopotamus says:

    Addressing the first point – write it. Write it so we, your adoring public, can see it. And write it as cathartic therapy. Write it so that when you’re well, you can look back at it, and see just how far you’ve come.

    But the main part of it – life will improve. Everyone who’s been there has told you this, and will continue to tell you this, because they’re not lying. You are strong enough to fight, right now you may feel like you can’t, but you are. Dawn will come – that horrible cliché that it’s always darkest before the dawn is alas true. Keep working, keep fighting, and life will become awesome.

    On a side note, you could always get some motivation from others? Pick up the ratties, Stupid Dudette, the fish (well, don’t pick them up, but look at them and maybe point and shout FSSSSSH!). See how much they adore you, how much they need and want you? That’s how the rest of us feel – though you might not think it (and we may not live in a cage in your living room), we do want you! Though animals are better than us because they never say the wrong thing! 😛

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