My mood’s a tiny bit better today. I’m still definitely on the down side but it’s livable with and the desire to stop everything has faded to a distant chatter rather than an all consuming shout. One of my problems is that as soon as I start to fall, I shy away from the world. I retreat to my room and my laptop, curl up under the duvet and cry, sometimes for days at a time. The rational part of my brain (there is one there honest!) knows this is about the worst thing I could do but at the moment I don’t have many other options.
The last time I went out was back at the beginning of May – in the intervening 2 months I basically haven’t seen anyone other than my parents. I thought I had friends in York but that’s *complicated* (to put it tactfully and besides they were mostly students so are now on holiday anyway). Yes, I see people at work but as I work at different companies, it’s never the same people and it’s only a few hours a week. Recently I’ve had my fortnightly beading class but that really is it. Reading that back, I’ve realised just how sad and pathetic my life has become.
The truth is, I meet people badly. I don’t have a clue how to function in any social situations if I were to know how to get into those social situations in the first place. And if i knew how, I still wouldn’t as I don’t have the confidence. Everyone judges and then they betray you anyway so there’s no point. The few friends I have are hours drives away and I don’t want to bother them because frankly I don’t think my company would be up to much at the moment. People deserve better than me ruining their time.
I don’t want sympathy, I write this so that people can have an indication of how much mental illness can destroy someones life. There’s a part of me that wishes people would reach out to help because I’m incapable of reaching out to them. But I don’t know what I want other than maybe someone to sit in the pub with, having a few drinks and a chat.
Thankfully there is a slight bright spot on the horizon. A friend I’ve known for nearly 20 years is getting married on Saturday 🙂 I know enough people going that I should be just about alright with it although a venue full of happy couples probably isn’t the best of situations for me. I’ve never been to a wedding before (at least not since I’m old enough to remember) and I’m freaking out that I don’t know the etiquette and the way things procede. I know when it starts, and where the wedding and reception are but that’s it. I can envision myself crying in the corner because I said something I regret or turned up too early or too late. Still, I have a very pretty dress to wear so that’s a point in my favour and a fantabulous new haircut.
But that’s one day. Other than that it will be back to a blank social calendar. Oh what fun! My local Mind group offers a “befriending service” – basically a volunteer who is happy to meet up with someone for a few hours each week for a chat and to offer emotional and social support. I’m tempted but that would involve admitting there’s a problem and I’m far too embarassed for that. It’s too much of a blow to my already basically non-existent self confidence to need to effectively rent a friend for a few hours because I’m unable to make any real ones for myself.