August 12, 2009
My life seems to have turned around in a way that I wouldm’t have even dreamt was possible a fortnight ago. I’ve gone from suicidally depressed to unstoppably cheerful and found some sort of balance that was lacking for so long. My place to study nursing is pretty much confirmed – I have an invitation to attend a welcome meeting in a few weeks and genuinely can’t wait. It’s like this childish excitement, I want to know my timetable, to buy pretty coloured stationary, to organise and plan and enjoy. I haven’t heard anything at all from occy health and am going to leave it at that. It’ll be harder to get rid of me once I’m already in right…
I also have somewhere to live and someone mad enough to live with me! It’s a 3 bedroom flat over a bookmakers just ouside of town and I love it to bits. It’s so much better than anything I could have dreamed of and amazingly the rent is less than many of the considrably worse properties we looked at. I moved most of my furniture in over the last few days – the flat’s unfurnished to the degree of not even having curtains and it’s really starting to look like home. They’re even letting me take my fish tank! Give it another fortnight and I should be there full time 🙂
Nothing seems like a problem anymore. Things that weeks ago would have caused a complete meltdown no longer seem to matter. We’d bought a couple of settees to go in the flat and due to a very small staircase one of them wouldn’t fit and had to be dumped. That could have been the disaster to end all disasters but to the new me, it’s not a problem. At least one of them fit so we do have somewhere to sit. Find the good in every situation. I’m even learning to pay attention to my emotions, to walk away before I explode or scream. It may not sound like much but sensing that I’m winding up and getting out before I do something I regret is a massive achievement.
I almost wavered when I started to think that if I feel like this now, I should have felt like this before. Maybe I’ve just been putting on the mentally ill thing, maybe I’m a fraud and a bad person who just enjoys wasting other peoples time. Then I realised that I’m still quirky, odd and more than a little bit mad. I still don’t see things like a “normal” person would. But none of this matters, instead it’s this that makes me me. A unique, lovable individual with a lot to offer.
It’s not perfect, I’m not going to magically stop freaking out in social situations. I’m not going to suddenly stop beating myself up for past errors. I’m not going to stop thinking everybody is judging me. But I can learn to live with it and a lot more besides. And live is what I want to do! So shut up small voice telling me to quit while I’m ahead, I don’t need you.
Be afraid world, I’m very much back!
August 7, 2009
Did anyone else used to play this as a kid? The game where you go round in a circle and the first person starts a sentence with fortunately and then the next person follows it up with a sentence starting with unfortunately and so on. Well that seems a pretty apt representation of my life at the moment.
I have loads more to say but I’m currently rather overwhelmingly busy in the real world. Should have more time in a fortnight or so.
August 1, 2009
I should start this by saying that when it comes to religion I’m now Agnostic at best. I’d like to think there’s something out there but it doesn’t sit well with the scientist in me and since I struggle so much with this life, the idea of an eternal one is enough to give me nightmares! However, this wasn’t always the case. When I was 12 I went to boarding school for a year. It wasn’t planned and was a hasty decision as the result of circumstances. The Chaplain/RS teacher at the school was young, charismatic and enthusiastic and I became quite hooked. I even considered getting Confirmed but didn’t because I didn’t want the hassle of having to be baptised first (my parents never had me Christened, something I’m incredibly grateful to them for).
I struggled with homesickness – my close family were 7 hours away by plane – and it was around this time I started praying before I went to sleep. Not the forced prayers of Church services but a decision of choice. It was never much – a thank you for the day (or a thank you for getting me throught the day!), a request to sleep well free from nightmares and to have a good day the next day. Finally it was a request to protect my family, friends and myself from any damage or harm that might befall us.
As the years have gone by (wow, that makes me feel old!), the religion has faded but the prayers have remained. They’ve been a constant for the last 10 years, I could probably count the number of times I’d missed them on the finers of one hand. So, where is this story going you may legitamately ask?
Saturday was the wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, the bride looked fabulous and the sun shone. On a personal level though it was an emotional train wreck and ended up with my parents having to drive two hours to pick me up and bring me home to prevent me jumping out the top floor window of the B+B. I only include that to explain why it was that I got home and collapsed into bed, too exhausted to pray.
And since then I’ve made a conscious decision to stop, my before bed communions with the Almighty are no more. I don’t know why it was this precise event that triggered it (possibly the overly religious nature of the ceremony) but I’ve come to the conclusion that if there is a God then he’s a cruel bastard for letting my life run the way it is and also what’s the point in talking to someone who I don’t really think is there.
It seems odd writing this now. My prayers have been my little secret, I don’t think I’ve mentioned them to anyone and yet now I’m telling the world I’ve stopped.