My life seems to have turned around in a way that I wouldm’t have even dreamt was possible a fortnight ago. I’ve gone from suicidally depressed to unstoppably cheerful and found some sort of balance that was lacking for so long. My place to study nursing is pretty much confirmed – I have an invitation to attend a welcome meeting in a few weeks and genuinely can’t wait. It’s like this childish excitement, I want to know my timetable, to buy pretty coloured stationary, to organise and plan and enjoy. I haven’t heard anything at all from occy health and am going to leave it at that. It’ll be harder to get rid of me once I’m already in right…
I also have somewhere to live and someone mad enough to live with me! It’s a 3 bedroom flat over a bookmakers just ouside of town and I love it to bits. It’s so much better than anything I could have dreamed of and amazingly the rent is less than many of the considrably worse properties we looked at. I moved most of my furniture in over the last few days – the flat’s unfurnished to the degree of not even having curtains and it’s really starting to look like home. They’re even letting me take my fish tank! Give it another fortnight and I should be there full time 🙂
Nothing seems like a problem anymore. Things that weeks ago would have caused a complete meltdown no longer seem to matter. We’d bought a couple of settees to go in the flat and due to a very small staircase one of them wouldn’t fit and had to be dumped. That could have been the disaster to end all disasters but to the new me, it’s not a problem. At least one of them fit so we do have somewhere to sit. Find the good in every situation. I’m even learning to pay attention to my emotions, to walk away before I explode or scream. It may not sound like much but sensing that I’m winding up and getting out before I do something I regret is a massive achievement.
I almost wavered when I started to think that if I feel like this now, I should have felt like this before. Maybe I’ve just been putting on the mentally ill thing, maybe I’m a fraud and a bad person who just enjoys wasting other peoples time. Then I realised that I’m still quirky, odd and more than a little bit mad. I still don’t see things like a “normal” person would. But none of this matters, instead it’s this that makes me me. A unique, lovable individual with a lot to offer.
It’s not perfect, I’m not going to magically stop freaking out in social situations. I’m not going to suddenly stop beating myself up for past errors. I’m not going to stop thinking everybody is judging me. But I can learn to live with it and a lot more besides. And live is what I want to do! So shut up small voice telling me to quit while I’m ahead, I don’t need you.
Be afraid world, I’m very much back!