Dear cyclists of Cambridge,

September 30, 2009

As the majority of you seem to be amongst the most incompetent road users I’ve ever had the misfortune to come across, I thought I’d explain some basic road rules to you:

  1. Red lights mean stop. For those of you that are red-green colourblind or just looking for an excuse, the red one is the light at the top. When it’s lit up, do NOT go through it. It’s really not that difficult.
  2. The pavement is for pedestrians. Those are people without wheels. This means you cannot use it to shortcut round the above mentioned red lights. Unless the pavement has a bike lane, in which case go crazy.
  3. Lights. These have a purpose, they’re so you can be seen. Ok, I admit the next bit is fairly advanced science… At night it is dark. In the dark it is hard to see things unless they are lit up. No lights = no visibility = squashed cyclist

Thank you for your understanding in these matters.

Yours in eternal hope of not killing or being killed by one of you,

Ana

Advertisements

Recovery

September 23, 2009

The depths of depression are akin to drowning in a deep, dark and powerful river. You’re swept away with it, no idea which way is up, blackness everywhere. You attempt to struggle but it’s futile, you don’t know what you’re struggling for. There is nothing else. It’s easier to just be swept away, to surrender to the darkness forever.

But eventually through luck or fate or divine intervention, call it what you will, your head breaks the surface, just for a second. And you see that the blackness isn’t all, that maybe there’s an infinitesimal chance of something more. If you have the strength, the struggle really begins but now it has a sense of direction, some of the futility is gone. But the river is strong, and it’s hold on you is absolute and you’ve been drowning for so long that the energy to fight it is failing.

But let’s imagine you escape that river. You find a reserve of power that you didn’t know you had and you pull yourself from those depths, dripping, exhausted but triumphant. It would be great to pretend that was it. That you’ve won once and for all. The river though is treacherous, it licks around your ankles, calling you back to its embrace.

And besides, when you look around you realise that where you’ve emerged is not really much better than where you’ve been. You’re at the bottom of a deep valley, with steep and deadly sides that seem to reach up forever. The one difference is that if you squint hard at just the right moment, you can see a glimmer of light at the summit of one of those cliffs and it’s incredible, it spells hope. But then it fades again and you wonder if it was just a dream.

So you start to climb those valley sides and you realise that no matter how hard they looked from the base, the reality is a hundred times worse. The rock underfoot is slippery, the hand holds give way at the slightest touch and all the time you can hear the river calling your name, tempting you back to it.

Sometimes on the way up you slip and you find yourself falling again but not always all the way. You find your way barred, things fall on you from the heights and you begin to doubt your reasoning. But occasionally, you catch a glimpse of that light and so slowly you begin again. There are ledges of vague stability where the temptation is to curl up and stay forever but those ledges eventually start to crumble and the climb must go on. Worst of all you find yourself at places where the only way to continue to rise is to fall back to a lower ledge and to start again up a new route. Sometimes the light seems deceptively close and you think you’ve made it but it turns out to be a false horizon, beyond is more cliff stretching upwards perhaps forever.

I’m somewhere on those cliffs. Sometimes the light is near, often it’s so far away as to seem unreachable but I do hope to get there. One day.


Nearly there

September 15, 2009

I had my meeting of doom with occy health this morning. It was such hard work, I’m drained now. Trying to work out how much to tell them, what details to include and what to omit. No lies, just an edited truth. The good news is I’m not out 🙂  However, nor am I entirely in. They want a letter from my GP to confirm I’m stable and that he thinks I’m capable of doing the course. I’ve spoken to my GP already and he’s happy to provide said letter as soon as he gets confirmation from them of exactly what they need.

I’m so, so near.

Other than that I’ve had a bit of a rocky couple of days. The euphoric happiness is giving way to the nagging doubts, the poisonous other side of me that is determined to see me at the very least fail. I’m really hoping this is a result of occy health related stress rather than anything more sinister. The problem is that even though it went as well as I could reasonably expect I’m still sitting here with my mind going down a very bad track.

I’m not ok and I don’t think I ever really will be but I just hope I’m doing what’s going to be the best for me.


Just a quickie

September 3, 2009

I apologise for my extended absence of late, I am still alive! I’m also sorry for lack of comments etc. on blogs, I was without internet for over a week and when I switched on again I had over 200 posts on my google reader which was a little overwhelming. I promise to catch up at some point soon.

The reason for my silence was firstly a holiday (just with my extended family, nothing too exciting) then moving house. I’m now safely resident in my shiny flat which I love to bits and is wonderful and amazing and awesome. I’m getting on really well with my flat mate and currently have another friend residing on the lounge floor which has been an excuse for much baking of biscuits and late night girly chats. I’m also rediscovering my social life which has been incredible, the realisation that I do still have friends has been quite overwhelming at times.

I am still up but only through a hefty dose of denial. The minute any negative thoughts start creeping in I’m literally shouting them down often through having conversations out loud with myself so that I can no longer herar the creeping doubts. I know it’s not really addressing anything and the issues are still there, probably building up until I reach breaking point but right now I don’t care. I’m coping, I’m having a good time and for now that’s all I want 🙂

In other news, I actually don’t strictly know if I’m starting my course in a month or not. I had dared to assume that since I hadn’t heard anything at this late stage, my occy health clearance had been granted and all was well. Of course, that was stupid of me, assume something would be problem free, never going to happen! The uni has know for a month and a half that I haven’t been cleared but neglected to inform me of this fact. I only discovered it when I rang occy health as recommended in the information I received 2 days ago and found out for myself.

Apparently I need to see one of their doctors which is terrifying in itself given my past experiences. However, worse was that they should have been booked up for the next month which would have meant delaying my start as I can’t go on placement without clearance. Thankfully the very lovely receptionist squeezed me in for in a fortnights time. I’m hoping that will be enough, that my mood holds out till at least then and I convince them that I can do this, as I do genuinely believe. However, if one appointment is not enough or if they need more time, I now have a matter of weeks to sort this rather than the months I should have had if the uni had got it’s act together and informed me. This has left me more than a little scared and pissed off, I just hope it works out ok because if not, I won’t know what to do.