And it all goes back to shit.

If anyone wants the password for the previous post then ask but I warn you that it’s 1500 words of pointless whinging and was written to allow me to sleep.

I don’t know what to do 😦  I’ve started self-harming again which is a real bugger to put it mildly. I’d stopped for 6 months and now it feels so safe to get back into it, the wondering how much damage I can cause without generating too many awkward questions. The temporary distraction then the guilt but at least guilt is an “easy” emotion to deal with.

My first placement allegedly starts tomorrow. I say allegedly because I’m not entirely sure I can do it. I needed something inspirational for it, something to convince me that I’m doing the right thing with my life, that this all isn’t just a big waste of time. Instead I’m in a crap nursing home for people with dementia. The place smells, the staff don’t speak any English and I just don’t think I can face it.

Plus my car failed its MOT this morning. My car was my independence and I’m rather fond of it. I build up deep attachments to anything that is vaguely nice to me, ever if that something is a big lump of orange-painted metal. I now feel like I’ve failed it which I rationally know is insane because what could I have done different? I need my car. Twenty minute drive to placement vs an hour on the bus. Freedom to travel, to escape the Cambridge bubble, to seek space and clear my head all gone.

So it’s back to googling for exit strategies. How did my life come back to this so fast?


5 Responses to And it all goes back to shit.

  1. Chapati says:

    Hey hun…so very sorry to hear all of that 😦

    Regarding your passworded post, if you think it will help to have feedback on it please could I have the password? Don’t want to infringe on your privacy, but at the same time want to help..

    Regarding the nursing home: I know its hard, but don’t go in with too many preconceptions – people with dementia can provide inspiration for us. Be their ray of hope; the member of staff who does speak English, who listens, cares… with dementia you can often feel you’re not getting through, and then get a glimmer which lets you know you’re making all the difference in the world to these people in their last years of life.

    I hope whatever made the MOT fail is repairable!

    As always, on the other end of an email etc if you wanna chat!

  2. aims says:

    Wait wait wait.

    Can your car not go to a garage and be fixed? I’m so sorry – I don’t know what a MOT consists of etc. – but is there no way around it?

    Now – working backward because I have to think here. Working in a nursing home is not a sentence to hell. People who are in homes don’t want to be there either – and a ray of sunshine in their lives will give them so much in their final days. Even if they have dementia. Someone being kind to them – caring about them when there is no-one else around who does – will mean all the world to them. Even if they are locked behind a wall of dementia. Nursing is about being Florence Nightingale – about giving of yourself to others who need – and showing compassion. OMG the world today has so little compassion in it. We need people who have it.

    And you dear girl can relate to being trapped behind a wall that you have no control over.

    Now – the cutting. You’re scared and feeling insecure about taking this step forward. You have to start your day with a prayer for strength and the knowledge that you are good at what you do. You have no need to fear taking these steps forward.

    It’s just insecurity raising its ugly head Ana. You want to hurt yourself because you feel so insecure. You have come this far – all on your own – all because you wanted it so much and wanted to prove that you could do it.

    And you can. Just give yourself a chance to help others and to take the focus away from yourself. Give others the joy of you and watch the happiness it brings them.

    Now go and do it Ana. You can. I know you can.

  3. aims says:

    And btw – I would also like the password. You need to share your problems and fears.

  4. Lola Snow says:

    Ana I’m so sorry that things have got shitty again for you, is there anything we can do to help? Sounds like you’re giving yourself a whole heap of crap for self-harming, which although you might feel is justified, is probably making you want to self harm more, no? Blips happen, don’t they? You’d be the first to tell me that, so back at you honey! You’re still doing brilliantly, and we’re all here backing you.

    Password please.

    Lola x

  5. Totally Detached says:

    Don’t feel to bad about self harming, slip ups happen and as Lola said, beating yourself up about it ain’t gonna help.

    Also agree with Chapati and Aims about the nursing home. I’ve volunteered in one and a lot of the “care assistants” and nurses were just awful so I tried to give the residents as much as I could. If you can make someone’s day a teeny bit better that can mean a lot – both to you and them.

    Could I also have the password please?
    xx TD

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