Dear interwebs, you decide…

November 25, 2009

So, there’s reasonable evidence to suggest things haven’t been going too well as late. I actually don’t want to go in to too much detail on this post as it has another purpose but in summary: self harm bad, eating and sleeping erratic, pressure on friends insane and unfair and now there’s a crisis referral in. Basically, placement has proved too much. I was back in lectures last week which was fine, not fun, but fine and since then, nothing. I just can’t see how I can go back there. I was meant to be on shift today but after visiting both tutor and GP, I’ve gained a couple of days to make up my mind. I’m seeing my tutor again tomorrow when she’s expecting a definitive answer on what I want to do. So, since I don’t have a clue, I thought I’d let you lot decide for me…

Some details of the options for you:

1) Go back to placement – return on Friday and wait to see what happens


  • “easiest” option – minimal hassle to arrange
  • Nobody needs to know anything, I’m still within a safe amount of absence so we can call it a blip and move on
  • The next placement might be better and all I have to do is get there
  • Gets me qualified in minimal time, I may yet make a good nurse


  • If the stress is anything like before I WILL meltdown and it won’t be pretty
  • I’m not sure I’m in a state where I can guarantee to provide good care to my patients
  • If it’s not just this placement and is more about nursing not being for me, then I’m just wasting mine and everyone elses time
  • Any more absence for any cause will be a problem

2) Go back to placement +drugs – go and see my GP, get a bunch of sedatives/tranquilizers etc and drug myself through the next fortnight


  • Makes the placement pass without meltdown, just float through it
  • The next placement might be better and all I have to do is get there
  • Gets me qualified in minimal time, I may yet make a good nurse


  • Is it really ethical? It’s certainly not a sign that I can cope
  • I don’t like having to rely on medication just to get me through the day
  • Remember what happened last time I had access to a bottle of tranquilizers?
  • Can’t drive on them so will have to keep cycling/only take them when I get there
  • If it’s not just this placement and is more about nursing not being for me, then I’m just wasting mine and everyone elses time

3) Degrade – pull out for now and restart in March or October


  • Removes masses of current stress
  • Will probably have a different placement next time round which may well be better
  • Gives me time to get more stable, try and access therapy etc. and to work out if this is really what I want


  • Will have to come up with something to do in the meantime, money doesn’t grow on trees
  • Why should things be better next time round?
  • Lose all the work I’ve done so far
  • Seems like a failure in my eyes

4) Quit – leave and don’t go back


  • Removes current placement stress
  • Gives me a chance to come up with new options


  • Closes the door for good, no turning back
  • Still have to work out what to do with my life
  • Feels like failure

5) Bury head in sand – deny for as long as possible until I can’t avoid it any more


  • “Easy”
  • Denial can be a comforting state


  • Doesn’t solve anything, still have to make a decision at some point
  • Cowards option

6) … – the one I’m not allowed to talk about. Probably shouldn’t go there.

So, what should I do? I hope you lot know, because I’m damned if I do!

I’d appreciate comments as well as just a mouse click. I can’t guarantee I’ll listen but I could do with as much advice as possible at this point. This post may well be edited if I come up with more options or more pros and cons. Thanks all 🙂


This made me angry.

November 13, 2009

To be completely honest, lots of things make me angry – I’m a volatile moody person at the best of times but this is an extreme example. Yesterday I received a letter from Clinical Psychology in York, you know the ones who’ve been promising me CBT and who I’ve been on a waiting list with for over a year now.
The edited highlights:

Dear Anickdaler,

As you know, you are on the waiting list to see a Clinical Psychologist following referral by your GP. As you have been waiting some time, we would be very grateful if you could confirm on the slip enclosed if you would still like to be seen.

Once we have received your reply slip, we will send you an appointment when one becomes available. If we do not hear from you within the next three weeks, we will assume that you no longer wish to be seen and will discharge you.

Thank you very much for your help.

Yours sincerely,

Waiting List Administrator

Psychology Services

My translation:

Dear nutter,

As you know we’ve fucked up and have kept you waiting for over a year with zero communication. Can you please let us know if you have

a) recovered or

b) topped yourself

in the intervening time so that we can remove you from our waiting list and make our statistics look somewhat better. It’s not like we have an appointment available anyway but you know how it is with statistics, got to look good.

Ta muchly,

Pointless NHS administrator #13,465

One wonders if they’d still have sent the letter if I had topped myself and if so, how that would have looked…



November 12, 2009

So, yes, this whole nursing home thing. Actually, it hadn’t been as bad as I was anticipating. Then and again, if your expectations are that low, it’s actually relatively easy to exceed them. It’s a case of limited members of staff doing their best with a lack of resources and funding. For example, the optimistically labeled ‘Sensory Room’ is in fact a store cupboard. Saying that, it’s one of the better of the limited number of nursing homes I’ve come into contact with. The patients are also all advanced dementia which makes it hard to say the least although there are rays of entertainment with some of the things they come up with. As one of my colleagues pointed out, “How come they still have a full vocabulary of swear words and yet can’t even remember their own names?”.

Tuesday though was an impossible day. We had a new admission which meant lots of management interference to make the place appear respectable. The sheer hypocrisy of it really got to me, pretending this is how it always is for the sake of the new relatives just isn’t right. Plus, I’m not there to be managements slave. Then there were aspects of the admission that really upset me. The wife has advanced dementia – doesn’t know who she or anyone else is and was the one being admitted. The husband also suffers from alzheimers although currently at a much earlier stage. Still pretty much entirely with it but becoming more forgetful, not passing on messages, that sort of thing. I felt so sorry for him, watching his wife and knowing that, but for some medical miracle, that will be him in a few years. *sigh*  Then we were short staffed in the afternoon which meant my supernumerary status really didn’t apply. And to top things off, I got a shit load of highly personal abuse off of one of the patients who really doesn’t have dementia, it’s just nowhere else will take him. Oh, and we had about 6 fire alarms which gave me the headache from hell.

On top of all this, I’ve been desperately trying to return my car to roadworthy (which it now is, yay!, although mostly due to amazing friends rather than me) and becoming highly sleep deprived for varying complex reasons. This meant that yesterday, my alleged day off, when I had a to do list as long as my arm, was spent asleep bar vague periods of consciousness to deliver the car to various appts. In the past 36 hours, I would estimate I’ve spent more than 24 of them fast asleep. This morning I was meant to go into work, hell I had the car back, didn’t even have to cycle and I just couldn’t do it. Phoned in sick and spent another 4 hours asleep. Now I don’t know, this has been a lot of sleep even for me and I haven’t been feeling 100% so maybe I’ve got some short term virus in which case being off is justifiable. But I suspect, as afraid as I am to admit it to myself, any physical symptoms are just a manifestation of what’s going on in my head. I just couldn’t do it after Tuesday so my body has attempted to create an excuse that my mind will tolerate. This isn’t justifiable. So now I have to deal with the guilt on top of everything else 😦