Dear interwebs, you decide…

So, there’s reasonable evidence to suggest things haven’t been going too well as late. I actually don’t want to go in to too much detail on this post as it has another purpose but in summary: self harm bad, eating and sleeping erratic, pressure on friends insane and unfair and now there’s a crisis referral in. Basically, placement has proved too much. I was back in lectures last week which was fine, not fun, but fine and since then, nothing. I just can’t see how I can go back there. I was meant to be on shift today but after visiting both tutor and GP, I’ve gained a couple of days to make up my mind. I’m seeing my tutor again tomorrow when she’s expecting a definitive answer on what I want to do. So, since I don’t have a clue, I thought I’d let you lot decide for me…

Some details of the options for you:

1) Go back to placement – return on Friday and wait to see what happens

Pros:

  • “easiest” option – minimal hassle to arrange
  • Nobody needs to know anything, I’m still within a safe amount of absence so we can call it a blip and move on
  • The next placement might be better and all I have to do is get there
  • Gets me qualified in minimal time, I may yet make a good nurse

Cons:

  • If the stress is anything like before I WILL meltdown and it won’t be pretty
  • I’m not sure I’m in a state where I can guarantee to provide good care to my patients
  • If it’s not just this placement and is more about nursing not being for me, then I’m just wasting mine and everyone elses time
  • Any more absence for any cause will be a problem

2) Go back to placement +drugs – go and see my GP, get a bunch of sedatives/tranquilizers etc and drug myself through the next fortnight

Pros:

  • Makes the placement pass without meltdown, just float through it
  • The next placement might be better and all I have to do is get there
  • Gets me qualified in minimal time, I may yet make a good nurse

Cons:

  • Is it really ethical? It’s certainly not a sign that I can cope
  • I don’t like having to rely on medication just to get me through the day
  • Remember what happened last time I had access to a bottle of tranquilizers?
  • Can’t drive on them so will have to keep cycling/only take them when I get there
  • If it’s not just this placement and is more about nursing not being for me, then I’m just wasting mine and everyone elses time

3) Degrade – pull out for now and restart in March or October

Pros:

  • Removes masses of current stress
  • Will probably have a different placement next time round which may well be better
  • Gives me time to get more stable, try and access therapy etc. and to work out if this is really what I want

Cons:

  • Will have to come up with something to do in the meantime, money doesn’t grow on trees
  • Why should things be better next time round?
  • Lose all the work I’ve done so far
  • Seems like a failure in my eyes

4) Quit – leave and don’t go back

Pros:

  • Removes current placement stress
  • Gives me a chance to come up with new options

Cons:

  • Closes the door for good, no turning back
  • Still have to work out what to do with my life
  • Feels like failure

5) Bury head in sand – deny for as long as possible until I can’t avoid it any more

Pros:

  • “Easy”
  • Denial can be a comforting state

Cons:

  • Doesn’t solve anything, still have to make a decision at some point
  • Cowards option

6) … – the one I’m not allowed to talk about. Probably shouldn’t go there.

So, what should I do? I hope you lot know, because I’m damned if I do!

I’d appreciate comments as well as just a mouse click. I can’t guarantee I’ll listen but I could do with as much advice as possible at this point. This post may well be edited if I come up with more options or more pros and cons. Thanks all 🙂

Advertisements

6 Responses to Dear interwebs, you decide…

  1. Alison says:

    Since I am feeling like quitting my own course right now, I’d say go for the drugs and hope that you can sail through the next few weeks and things get better… please hang on in there… as for the self harm I can relate I just broke my 6 months of no self harming. (hugs) take care of yourself x

  2. Chapati says:

    Oh dear 😦

    Honey, I can’t/don’t want to decide for you, apart from saying don’t take options 5 or 6 for obvious reasons.

    I don’t think you should take option 4 either. You’ve been wanting to do this for a long, long time. Taking my own experiences, you are bound to have shit parts of the course/job, but look at the bigger picture and if you’re still getting out of the course what you expected to get out of it I think you should stick with it.

    I don’t think I know enough about the drugs to be able to say for certain, but if I were in your position I wouldn’t want to go back on them either – would rather not rely on drugs to get me through the day, as you put it.

    That leaves go back, or degrade. Which one to choose depends entirely on the reasons you couldn’t cope with the earlier placement. If those reasons are still valid, I’d go for degrade – take a break and get some headspace. If you think they were specific to the placement, maybe go back…. BUT speak to your tutor/mentor/confidante about your difficulties. I bet you a gazillion dollars you’re not the first student nurse to go through this kind of decision, and I am pretty sure there will be people around who have been through it before and can offer very wise words of advice and encouragement.

  3. aims says:

    Chapati has said something very valid. You are not the first to go through this.

    I was one who voted to take the drugs to help you through.

    You have wanted to do this so badly. Don’t give up. There is always bad with the good. Always. No matter what you decide to do in life. There is always stress – there is always bad. Being able to say – this is bad but I’m going to deal with it – makes you a wiser and incredible person. And I truly believe you have that in you.

    The next placement may be your dream. So hang in there. And talk to your GP and a therapist. Especially for the reasons for your self-harming. You are not worthless or unable to cope. You wrote this didn’t you?

    If you need me to talk to some more – you know where to find me.

  4. Totally Detached says:

    I clicked “Drugs”.

    It might help you get through this thing which may well turn out to be a “bad patch”. It would give you a little lee way, you gain time to think about things, don’t have to stress about arranging things or dropping out or deciding what top do with your life and you never know what’s gonna happen in the next couple of weeks.

    Hope you’re ok *hugs*

  5. Rachel says:

    Come on Trouble. We all know that you really want to do this and I was there as you struggled to get in. Having gone through that stress, surely you should give it more of a chance that just the first placement?

    I’d get hold of the drugs, but only just in case you need them. Keep smiling, or I will have to turn up there!

  6. Not really the person to be advising you. Although I came to this post via twitter and I’m glad that you’ve gone back. The fact that your tutor knows that you’re struggling with this placement may be a good thing – can you get a little extra support from the university because of this – it might help with the stress?

    My gut instinct is that it’s the placement, you’ve wanted to do nursing for a long time, and fought to get on the course and for what it’s worth I think you’ll be an excellent nurse. You just need to keep telling yourself that.

    I nearly walked out on my first placement (hell I nearly walked out on my last placement too (but then we all already knew that) – it’s easy to doubt our own abilities when we aren’t in a place where we feel we can thrive. It will get better, and if nothing else you’ve found an area of nursing you know you don’t want to go into 🙂 .

    Contact me if you want any moral support from someone else who is currently counting down the days to the end of their current placement.

    Oh and with regards drugs – Occy Health Nonce told me that there was nothing wrong with needing them (actually her sage wisdom stated that I was more unethical in my decisions for refusing them).

    Take care,
    Differently

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: