And another week down :)

So, I went back, much to the surprise of everyone, me included, and have survived another week. It’s not been easy and I am now completely knackered but I did it without resorting to chemicals (other than those I take anyway + a few glasses of wine) or self-harm. This is a not inconsiderable achievement. What follows are some of my edited high/low-lights.

Things what made me laugh:

  • Other carer: Come on, it’s dinner time

Patient: What, dinner again?

Me: Yes, we do have dinner every day

Patient (points at me): Oh, is that why that one’s getting so fat all the time?

  • Being asked on a date. When asked where we were going, he pointed into the far distance. That would be the other side of the living room then! But it’s ok, he was paying, I checked…
  • The line; “Cor, I don’t half fancy you!”

Things what made me mad:

  • Being punched in the head, twice. True, it was by wheelchair bound little old ladies but they can still hit pretty damn hard especially when you’re not expecting it.
  • Management bullshit, need I say more?
  • Consistent short staffing and the reluctance to make up the numbers because I’m there despite the fact I’m meant to be supernume-ra-ra-y (I cannot say this word for love nor money!).

Things what should have made me sad:

  • The death of 2 clients within 24hrs. One of them was in hospital at the time, but the other I’d given a bed bath to not that many hours previously and she’d not seemed particularly worse than usual. Now, I don’t have much experience of death – I’ve seen one dead body and lost a couple of grand-parents but that’s it – so this up close and personal experience should have affected me and I’ve waited for something to come but so far… nothing. No grief, no regret, not even a tinge of sadness.  There’s the argument that they hadn’t much quality of life and were possibly better off out of it but I don’t feel happy or relieved either. I just feel devoid of emotion which worries me far more than the deaths themselves. Now I know nurses need to be cynical and hardened to a degree or they’d never make it through the day but surely this shouldn’t have happened already?

Now I just need to get through the next week and I’m done till after Christmas. Then I’m off skiing in France – I’ve never been skiing before and don’t know the first thing about it but I am so looking forward to it that none of that matters. Just got to survive the remaining four shifts….

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4 Responses to And another week down :)

  1. aims says:

    You continue to surprise me in so many good ways.

    Good for you. Congratulations! I’m proud of you.

    As for the lack of feelings. You don’t know these people well enough to have a lot of feelings for them anyhow do you? I’m sure you said ‘ Ah. That’s too bad’. And that should do it really.

    Don’t knock yourself for it.

    Hooray for skiing! I used to compete for the highschool I went to. Hence one of the reasons for my bad back.

  2. Lola Snow says:

    Fantastic. Good for you Ana, getting through this shit is seriously hard work, but getting through it without resorting to maladaptive coping mechanisms is A star! It sounds like your placement is really interesting, but certainly hard work, that would be for anyone, but for you right now is remarkable.

    I don’t think being devoid of emotion makes you cynical or hardened, it makes you Ana in that situation. Who says you have to feel anything right now, or anything right at all? Death is sometimes numbness, sometimes anger, sometimes grief. Each and every person is different, there is no rule to say what you should or should not feel matey.

    Lola x

    Lola x

  3. Totally Detached says:

    Well done for going back and not giving in to SH. You sound like you’re coping really well.

    xx

  4. Bob says:

    I know this isn’t the right place to be posting, but I don’t have your email addy any more. Creative’s mp3 players are pretty good, and much cheaper than Apple’s equivalents… they also have screen that don’t blow up.

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