It feels odd to be sitting here writing this on the last day in 2009. This year has been the most difficult of my life and the fact I’ve made it through is nothing short of miraculous and thanks in no small part to the support I’ve received on here. Last New Years eve I was first aiding in York City Centre, picking up those who had enjoyed themselves rather too much. Tonight I’m off to a party at a friends. That in itself shocks me, that I have friends who are prepared, and maybe even want, to spend an evening with me.
Looking back, I wish 2009 had never been. I would like to obliterate this year from existence, to forget all that I have gone through but in some ways that would take away all that I have gained in these last few months. I shouldn’t be here now. Just over 11 months ago I should have died. No two ways about it, and yet here I am. I’m apparently a survivor. A lot of the time I wish I wasn’t, even when I’m up like now I don’t so much want to be alive as much as don’t actively want to be dead. The latter part of January is going to be tough for me, it’ll be one year on and so much has changed and yet so much remains the same.
I started the year very much in love and I end it very much alone in that sense. These aren’t emotions I’m happy writing about where anyone might stumble on them so I think I should just leave that there for now.
So, onwards to 2010 and whatever that may bring. I’m not one for New Years Resolutions, I think the best I can settle for is I hope it’s an improvement on 2009. I wish all of you the very best for the New Year and the next decade, may it bring if not happiness then progress towards something better.