I nearly made a year.

TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, suicide and emotional bullshit contained within.

I’ve unprotected the last post, there’s no need to hide those feelings anymore, everyone knows.

Just over a week ago, I found myself sitting in bed, pile of pills in one hand, razor in the other with blood dripping down my arm wondering how I’d come back to this. Viewing the inevitability of coming back to this, what other option do I have, where else could I go? But I didn’t take them. I picked up the phone, I called for help.

Eight hours of A+E later (that’s going to really have screwed up their statistics) and for once a system that actually helped. An almost functioning mental health service, whatever next? I’d seen a psychiatrist and a home crisis team whose existence I would never have believed in had I not met them. I avoided hospital with the help of some incredible friends who vowed not to leave my side until I felt safe. And they didn’t – they cooked me dinner when otherwise I wouldn’t have eaten, sat and watched DVDs when I needed company, slept in my lounge when I couldn’t face being alone. I don’t deserve them and they sure as hell don’t deserve all my shit.

So, where am I now? I’ve failed. I’ve been left with one option, well two really but only one that most people seem prepared to accept. I’m dropping nursing. After all the fight, the months of worry, the occy¬† health stress, I just can’t do it right now. I can’t do anything. I’m too unstable to hold down a conversation far less a job or any of the things that constitute a normal life. I have letters building up from things that should have been dealt with months ago and yet right now it seems like a miracle when I make it from bed to the lounge. I’m going to attempt to claim benefits. Tthis is not something I’m proud of but if I don’t take the time right now to beat this then everything I’ve come through so far will be for nothing. My GP, psych and friends agree but it doesn’t make the feeling of failure any less. I am pathetic, I am a failure.

There’s so much more to say, so many emotions but right now I can’t think. If I think that means admitting I’m really quite sick right now. I have a disability. I don’t want this. I can’t do this.


6 Responses to I nearly made a year.

  1. Kate says:

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this again. I understand how it can happen. It’s not your fault and you deserve all the friends you have. Don’t let guilt come between any help you’re entitled to (that’s my dilemma)!
    If you need any help re. the benefit crap then feel free to get in touch. It’s a really good idea to have an advisor to go through them with you (presume you’re thinking ESA rather than JSA for now)especially if you’re like me and tear them up at the first indignity. It’s odd how I can fill them in for clients without a qualm but when it comes to myself, my despair and rage burn holes through the paper!
    Take it easy.

  2. aims says:

    Oh sweetie. You haven’t failed. Not at all. In fact – you should celebrate what you have accomplished in this last year. It has been tons!

    The fact that you are having a setback does not mean failure. It means that there is something in your brain that needs balancing. That’s all.

    I’ve been 10 years struggling with this and had a huge setback this December. I accepted some help from my new doctor and am back on some meds I promised myself never to take again. Why? Because I know they will help and I also signed up to talk to a psychologist for an hour a month/week – whatever is needed.

    I believe that reaching out to people who know what they are talking about is the right thing to do. That’s not being a failure. That’s being smart.

    Your setback is not failure – it’s just a pause in your journey forward. And it’s okay. We all go through it and come out the other side with a bit more wisdom to take with us on our journey.

    And if people are willing to stay and help you – just thank them. Don’t feel guilty about it. It means you have friends and are not alone in this.

    Thinking of you.

  3. trio25 says:

    Not a failure, just a setback. Glad you have such a great group of friends!

  4. Alison says:

    Your certainly not a failure as others have said you have come a long way and this is a little setback. I’m sorry that your putting the nursing on hold but please you have to put yourself first for now… take care of yourself x

  5. Sorry to hear this has happened. Like others say you’re not a failure, and I’m glad you asked for help rather than taking those pills (that says a lot about how strong you are).

    Time to get yourself sorted, then you can return to nursing (if you so chose) stronger than ever.

    Glad you find some fairly useful MH help as well.

    Take care and if you need to chat, let me know.

  6. […] a mentalist detached from reality sense, but in a genuine holiday way. The trip was planned before crisis time but I somewhat extended it as let’s be honest there was nothing to keep me here. I’ve […]

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