TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, suicide and emotional bullshit contained within.
I’ve unprotected the last post, there’s no need to hide those feelings anymore, everyone knows.
Just over a week ago, I found myself sitting in bed, pile of pills in one hand, razor in the other with blood dripping down my arm wondering how I’d come back to this. Viewing the inevitability of coming back to this, what other option do I have, where else could I go? But I didn’t take them. I picked up the phone, I called for help.
Eight hours of A+E later (that’s going to really have screwed up their statistics) and for once a system that actually helped. An almost functioning mental health service, whatever next? I’d seen a psychiatrist and a home crisis team whose existence I would never have believed in had I not met them. I avoided hospital with the help of some incredible friends who vowed not to leave my side until I felt safe. And they didn’t – they cooked me dinner when otherwise I wouldn’t have eaten, sat and watched DVDs when I needed company, slept in my lounge when I couldn’t face being alone. I don’t deserve them and they sure as hell don’t deserve all my shit.
So, where am I now? I’ve failed. I’ve been left with one option, well two really but only one that most people seem prepared to accept. I’m dropping nursing. After all the fight, the months of worry, the occy health stress, I just can’t do it right now. I can’t do anything. I’m too unstable to hold down a conversation far less a job or any of the things that constitute a normal life. I have letters building up from things that should have been dealt with months ago and yet right now it seems like a miracle when I make it from bed to the lounge. I’m going to attempt to claim benefits. Tthis is not something I’m proud of but if I don’t take the time right now to beat this then everything I’ve come through so far will be for nothing. My GP, psych and friends agree but it doesn’t make the feeling of failure any less. I am pathetic, I am a failure.
There’s so much more to say, so many emotions but right now I can’t think. If I think that means admitting I’m really quite sick right now. I have a disability. I don’t want this. I can’t do this.