Yesterday I went back to Citizens Advice to complete my DLA form. Wasn’t looking forward to it so took some diazepam before leaving the house. Unfortunately it didn’t help. I had my MP3 player on so I could concentrate on music, if I’m listening to it I can concentrate intensely on the lyrics and it stops the badness insidiously creeping in. Everyone was starting at me. I first noticed it walking down the road, every car I glanced at the driver and passengers were all looking, every pedestrian glared. I desperately tried to avoid eye contact but I could tell, I could feel their eyes boring into me, silently judging. Look, that girl’s crazy. Look at her, why is she allowed out in public? What a state she is.
And I was a state. My hair was a mess, my clothes were creased. I was talking to myself in an attempt to calm me down – don’t be silly Anickdaler, why would they look at you, there’s nothing exciting, eyes down, we’ll get there – at first this was an internal monologue but then I realised my lips were moving and for all I know I was muttering out loud. I wanted to scream and run as far and fast as I could but I had to make the appointment.
To my credit, I got there and the DLA form is in. With everything properly written up, it is the most depressing piece of paper ever. Citizens Advice are enclosing a note asking to be copied in on any replies so if I have to appeal I will have support. My GP and psychiatrist have written in support of my application and apparently they’ve said just the right things so hopefully it’ll all be ok. I don’t want to have to fight, I don’t have the strength.
Then all I had to do was get home. Of course the eyes of the world were back on me and I was so afraid. I was almost running, talking to myself to try and shut out the eyes. It was worse than it’s been for a very long time. I think what I tweeted when I got home says it all;
leaving house was BAD idea. Everyone was staring. They all know you see. Should really just carve crazy in my forehead and be done with it.
And I really wanted to. Just take a knife and write it so that nobody ever had any doubts and at least then I’d know for certain why they were staring rather than just suspecting it. Urgh, don’t ever want to feel like that again. I could tell that everyone was judging and the people in cars were talking about me the second I passed. It took a very long time to ground myself again yesterday evening and come back to reality from complete dissociation.
I was meant to be going climbing this morning. I love climbing, the physical side of it wears me out and it requires concentration to plan a route so it occupies my mind too. Unfortunately trip was canceled at the last minute for reasons unspecified 😦 This is obviously because of me. People do not want to spend time with the crazy one and to be honest who can blame them? So with the one thing I’ve been looking forward to off the cards, I now need to find another way to fill my weekend. My parents have volunteered to drive down but I’m going to visit them next week anyway and besides what sort of 24yo can’t find anything to do or anyone to do it with? [That was a rhetorical question, if in doubt, the answer’s me]
Seriously what’s the point in any of this? Why do I continue to delay the inevitable on the off chance something will change?