Retreating from reality

That’s how I would describe my behaviour right now. On some abstract level, I know there are people in the “real world” who would consider themselves my friends. Although I can’t rationalise any reason for this, the occasional texts I receive indicate at least a passing level of concern from a very few people. However, they invite me to social situations that due to various other attendees, I am effectively banned from whatever I would like. That’s just an excuse though, no matter who else was there I probably wouldn’t attend, that would involve leaving the house, wearing a long sleeved shirt, pretending it’s all a-ok. When it’s not. I’m fucking up big style all over again.

So I’m running. Not quite to an imaginary world (even though there are times at which that is decidedly tempting) but to an online one which has provided me with so  much help and support in the past. I can’t explain why I can’t turn to the people I see day to day (oh wait, there aren’t any any more but you know what I mean…), but expressing in print is so much easier than in word. Besides, those to whom I could turn, I have alienated too much, there’s only so much crazy people can tolerate.

I am desperately lonely.

I’m commenting on every blog post on every blog I read even if I have nothing at all to say. This leads to me writing patronising shit which is probably worse than useless for which I apologise. However, comments have a massive ability to lift me so I have a vague hope they can do the same for some of you no matter how vague and empty they are.

I also find myself desperately replying to Tweets in the hope of starting a conversation. I want to help other people. I’ve failed and fucked up so much for myself that I feel there’s no chance for me, but if I can use what I’ve learnt to in any way make a difference to someone else then at least I’ve done something. Ignoring the people in “reality” who say I can’t start to help others until I help myself, I want to do something. It’s ironic how I can offer in all seriousness the sort of advice I promptly ignore when offered to me but I do mean well.

But more than that, I want to talk. I don’t want to burden people with me but maybe if I listen to them a bit, they’ll be prepared to listen to me back. I love knowing about people, I find other people’s stories endlessly fascinating. I am incredibly curious but I have an unfortunate habit of oversharing in reply.

So yeah, I guess this is an apology to those of you who have suddenly started being oversupplied with blog comments or @ replies on Twitter. I don’t mean any harm, I’m nice enough and certainly harmless in my own way 🙂 Oh, and this self-indulgent crap may well vanish in the morning.

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11 Responses to Retreating from reality

  1. You shouldn’t apologise, I’m sure a lot of people appreciate you taking the time to reply, I know I always get a little bit excited when my phone bleeps with an @reply on twitter, even if it’s something useless! Take care. x

  2. Nurse Converse says:

    I’m always pleased to read your comments. You’re one of the very very few who bother! And it doesn’t come across as patronising, even if it is full of advice you categorically refuse to take yourself (I’m definately guilty of that as well!)!

    If you ever wanna chat drop me a line. xx

  3. Lola Snow says:

    It’s a lovely safe world, this corner of the blogosphere. Why not give yourself a little break? I think comments are always nice, it’s so much better than silent numbers on a hit counter. I’m sorry you’re so lonely Ana, that’s a horrible place to be in. I’m sort of there myself, even if it is mostly by choice and not wanting to commit to spending too much time with people who don’t understand. Last week excluding therapy I think I said about 15 words out loud. All of them asking for cigarettes in the newsagents. Take Care of you sweetie,

    Lola x

  4. Chapati says:

    I love it – an apology for commenting on blogs! You know we all love it; that is the whole point of blogging! And you’re definitely not the only one to say the famous line ‘do as I say; not as I do’

    I know what you mean about the online world, about the expression in print. It can be a very useful replacement when you want to run from the real world…however don’t run forever – it is no substitute for actual human contact!

    Here’s where I impart hollow words of wisdom – why not make a resolution to accept one invitation a fortnight? If you’re anything like me, you’ll enjoy it once you get there, and the more you go out the more comfortable you’ll become with it.

    Sorry for having become an absent blogger. I’m still around and on the other end of an email whenever you want to chat!

  5. Kate says:

    From the no doubt warped perspective of a virtual recluse, I don’t see anything particularly wrong in having a predominantly on-line social-life. After all, think of all the pub-bores you can skip over on the way to finding that elusive compatible/interesting person without causing offence. Rejoice at all the dull and tiresome conversations about washing-powder, babies and car-insurance you don’t have to politely listen to! You don’t have to get dressed up. You don’t have to stand outside in the cold with some lecherous jerk to smoke a cigarette etc etc.
    I know it’s not a replacement for the actual, physical presence of warm and caring people but then, if you’re anything like me, there’s a limit to how much you’ll let on to even the closest friends (for fear of alientaing them/ making a thorough twat of yourself).
    I dunno. We’re all different re. these things but I wouldn’t worry about it unless it’s causing you distress and yes, the occaisional date just to keep you in touch wouldn’t go amiss from time to time.
    I for one value and look forward to your comments, so there!
    K.x
    K.x

  6. I’ve appreciated your comments. Please keep making them.

    Take care,
    Differently

  7. Bippidee says:

    I am a comment whore – I love comments! If you want someone to talk to about anything though, you’re welcome to email me anytime – bippidee at hotmail dot co dot uk. I am happy to listen. x

  8. anickdaler says:

    Just want to say a massive thanks to each and every one of you 🙂 It’s made me feel all warm and fuzzy to know that I’m not being too annoying. Now I just need to quash the irrational paranoia that this is all part of an elaborate con to somehow trick me that people care.

    ((hugs)) to everyone

  9. trio25 says:

    There is so much worse you could be doing. In fact you are probably making people happy I love getting both comments and @replies!

  10. Alison says:

    {{Hugs}}x

  11. […] I was brave… Following on from my post the other night, I’ve been thinking more about my detachment from people in the […]

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