That’s how I would describe my behaviour right now. On some abstract level, I know there are people in the “real world” who would consider themselves my friends. Although I can’t rationalise any reason for this, the occasional texts I receive indicate at least a passing level of concern from a very few people. However, they invite me to social situations that due to various other attendees, I am effectively banned from whatever I would like. That’s just an excuse though, no matter who else was there I probably wouldn’t attend, that would involve leaving the house, wearing a long sleeved shirt, pretending it’s all a-ok. When it’s not. I’m fucking up big style all over again.
So I’m running. Not quite to an imaginary world (even though there are times at which that is decidedly tempting) but to an online one which has provided me with so much help and support in the past. I can’t explain why I can’t turn to the people I see day to day (oh wait, there aren’t any any more but you know what I mean…), but expressing in print is so much easier than in word. Besides, those to whom I could turn, I have alienated too much, there’s only so much crazy people can tolerate.
I am desperately lonely.
I’m commenting on every blog post on every blog I read even if I have nothing at all to say. This leads to me writing patronising shit which is probably worse than useless for which I apologise. However, comments have a massive ability to lift me so I have a vague hope they can do the same for some of you no matter how vague and empty they are.
I also find myself desperately replying to Tweets in the hope of starting a conversation. I want to help other people. I’ve failed and fucked up so much for myself that I feel there’s no chance for me, but if I can use what I’ve learnt to in any way make a difference to someone else then at least I’ve done something. Ignoring the people in “reality” who say I can’t start to help others until I help myself, I want to do something. It’s ironic how I can offer in all seriousness the sort of advice I promptly ignore when offered to me but I do mean well.
But more than that, I want to talk. I don’t want to burden people with me but maybe if I listen to them a bit, they’ll be prepared to listen to me back. I love knowing about people, I find other people’s stories endlessly fascinating. I am incredibly curious but I have an unfortunate habit of oversharing in reply.
So yeah, I guess this is an apology to those of you who have suddenly started being oversupplied with blog comments or @ replies on Twitter. I don’t mean any harm, I’m nice enough and certainly harmless in my own way 🙂 Oh, and this self-indulgent crap may well vanish in the morning.