Had my appointment with Citizens Advice today to help fill in my DLA form. Started badly when I attempted to leave the house in slippers before realising that no matter how warm and fluffy they are, they don’t give much protection against a downpour. So, slippers replaced with walking boots, bike wrestled from bike shed amidst copious swearing as it attempted to mate with both the recycling bin and another bike simultaneously, I did eventually make it on time.

The advisor lady was incredible. Really patient and understanding. She’d kept her whole afternoon free so that we could do as much or as little of the form as I wanted in my own time. We didn’t bother too much about keeping the information in the right boxes, I just talked and she’s going to go through, reword and reorganise it in my absence so I can just check it next week and we can get it submitted.

Without the support, there’s no way I could have got anywhere near completing it beyond the personal details page. There’s no way a piece of paper should be able to generate such feelings of self-hatred within me. Alone it would probably just have ended up with “I’M FINE” scrawled in big letters over every box, the margin, anywhere I could fit it. That’s what I’d like, I want to say I’m fine. Everything’s ok or at the very most that ‘it’s been worse so why worry?’. But none of that’s true.

With a few pointed questions and my own overabundence of insight into why I’m not normal, we soon had more than enough material to fill most of the boxes many times over. I hate my own intelligence and the insight it gives me. I can analyse where my behaviour is wrong, where my thoughts bear no relation to reality, identify the advice I’d give others but I can’t do it for me. And I don’t know why the fuck not. How can I sit there for hours with a list of easy things to do and just not move? I know how to move, I know how to complete the tasks, hell some of them are things I’d like to do and yet nothing ever happens. How can I fail to achieve even the most basic functions of existence when physically there’s nothing stopping me?

Sorry, got distracted, where was I? Ah yes, the form. The good news is I should very definitely be entitled to some form of DLA. With a decent Dr’s letter behind me, I shouldn’t even need to fight. Not that I’m deleriously happy to be nuts enough to be disabled but the money would be a real help. The advisor made me laugh when we were talking about self harm. I’d confessed that I was self harming pretty much daily right now and she turned round and said that was a good thing. And then backtracked rather quickly in an explanation that it was one of the easy triggers to get them to pay out rather than the self harm itself being a wondrous achievement. Sorry, sometimes poor taste, black humour is all I have.

Going back in a weeks time to check the form over. In the mean time I have paperwork for my GP and psych to complete to submit alongside it. Now I just need to rediscover some of the emptiness because it’s better than this acute awareness of everything that’s wrong with me and let’s face it, it seems to be a lot. Oh, and I cycled into a wall on the way home, straight on into it. I just genuinely didn’t see it. How can you be so out of it you miss a 6ft tall brick built structure that’s been there every other time you’ve used that path?


10 Responses to DLA

  1. trio25 says:

    The important thing being is the bike ok?

    So glad you got the form done, sounds like the advisor was really helpful!

  2. Alison says:

    Trust Trio to ask about the bike… lol πŸ˜‰

    I am glad you got started on the form now… they are not the most easier forms to fill in, the first time I attempted one it drove me somewhat potty and I did it with no help but suceeded in getting DLA paid out, I was just totally honest in how my illness affected me on a daily basis.

    I am sure you will be fine, I am glad your getting some help to fill out the form Ana, the hardest part is the wait for them to process the form.

  3. Nurse Converse says:

    “Self harm? Awesome!” lol I would’ve laughed at that as well, I have the most inappropriate sense of humour sometimes. Citizen’s Advice rock! Glad you got some help with it, I have enough trouble filling out my name and address on forms. Hope they get it sorted soon.

  4. Kate says:

    Ha Ha – yes we do rock!
    I don’t have a problem filling in DLA forms for clients but even though I’m probably eligable for one or more componants myself, I could never, ever bring myself to go through the claim process. Ridiculous isn’t it? I might have to go to Citizen’s Advice, hee hee!

  5. The only advice I’d give is to get a photocopy of the form before you send it off. That way, when it is up for renewal, you’ll have an idea of what to put – should make fill it in again much quicker.

    Glad you got it done.

    I’ve given up on mine.

    Take care,

    • anickdaler says:

      Excellent idea. We filled it in on the computer, so hopefully I should just be able to get a printout. Don’t give up on yours but don’t try it yourself. Email local CAB, mine have been so, so lovely!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: