Following on from my post the other night, I’ve been thinking more about my detachment from people in the ‘real’ world. It’s not that I don’t want the friendships, the contact, the social life, it’s more that I don’t know how to access them any more. Things are pretty fucking awful right about now and therefore I’m not able to inflict my presence on others. I’d desperately like to but I know I’d ruin it for everyone else. There’s nothing I need more right about now that a quiet night out and a few drinks with mates but I can’t ask. Someone to chat to, to drink cheap wine, eat pizza and watch crap DVDs with, I’m not actually all that fussed what it is. I’m so bad at asking for help even when it’s needed. I would be flattered if people came to me if they needed someone to talk to, but I can’t be the person to do that to others.
I was talking to someone a while ago about why my blog and the online community of friends I have are so important to me. One of the main reasons I could come up with was that if I vanish for a few days, people start contacting me, checking up on me, offering advice and hugs, albeit in a virtual manner. People in the real world don’t do that. The reply was that I’d be surprised how much people do care and do keep an eye on me and this gave me hope. Unfortunately, it has of course been proved untrue which I should have realised was inevitable. Since Monday, the only friend I’ve seen has been my flatmate and that’s only because we live together. I’ve had texts from two others. So if people are checking up on me, they’re mostly doing it behind my back which to be frank isn’t all that comforting.
To be honest, this is all just pointless whinging. The reason I haven’t seen anybody is because I haven’t tried. The reason I’ve had no conversations is because I haven’t instigated any. It’s my fault but it still hurts. So yes, if I was brave this is what I would like to send to my friends:
This is very difficult for me to write, I am the least likely person in the world to ask for help and support no matter how much it is needed. I don’t know how much you know, but I’m not all that well at the moment. You may (or more realistically may not) have noticed my absence from things I normally do as well as a lack of texts attempting to organise random pub trips! I also apologise to those of you who have invited me to things and whose offers I’ve refused with a series of poor excuses.
The fact is that I’m finding it difficult to leave the house to make appointments I absolutely cannot avoid, never mind anything else. This means that random invites will probably just be ignored/rejected unless a lot of persuasion goes in. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to see people, in fact I’d like nothing more than mates around right now. So I guess I’m asking for some support if you’ve got the time or inclination to give it 🙂 It really doesn’t matter what; after all, I do have a pretty much empty schedule. Oh, and I promise not to act too insane (or at least no more insane than normal 😉 )!
I’m aware how pathetic this sounds, but right now I just need to know that people care and aren’t just including me in things out of a sense of duty. This means that despite asking for some help, I’ll probably still try and refuse it if any is offered. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you, just that you may have to try a little harder!
I’ll try and make this up to you all one day.
You know, even though I could never send that in a million years, it’s still taken me over an hour to write! That’s how bad I am at reaching out. Right now I would love nothing more than for some good friends to have realised that something’s not right, and to come round and physically drag me out to the pub but it would never happen. To be honest, people are so busy, they’ve probably not even noticed I’ve been gone.