It’s Monday again. How did that happen? Was on my own for most of the weekend so spent it inside, drinking wine, watching the olympics, chatting on Twitter and swearing profusely at inanimate objects that got in my way. It’s a good job nobody sees me when I’m on me own, I’d be locked up for sure! Oh, there was also a fair amount of sleeping involved. I seem inordinately good at sleeping at the moment. Or at least I had been until last night. I tend to put off going to bed until I’m exhausted. Lying there, waiting for sleep is when I’m at my most vulnerable . Either the misplaced optimism will strike and I’ll be mentally taking over the world or I’ll think of something that went wrong in the day. That will then cycle completely out of control and full blown panic reigns.
But last night, I was kind of tired so went to bed at a vaguely sensible time. I had a psych appointment relatively early so thought I’d increase my odds of being conscious for it by getting a good amount of sleep. Yeah, that was a tad optimistic! Ended up mentally destroying myself over something I’d said to someone 6 months previously which they probably have no recollection of which then spiraled into every stupid thing I’ve ever done (and believe me, there’s been a few). Had taken 5mg of diazepam earlier in the evening to ward off similar thoughts and really hoped that would have sorted me out. Took another 5mg and still no rest. Honestly, had I had the pills around there’s no doubt in my mind I would have overdosed big style. I must have finally drifted off to sleep around 0130ish. So much for my early night.
Still managed to get up and make it to psych appt roughly on time despite the rather unexpected snowfall. Was good in an incredibly anxious, edgy way to be out of the house. Appointment was pretty useless. I think I scare them, I really do. I know how borderline safe I am right now and I think my complete acceptance of this is something of a worry. There’s nothing they can do though. They are waiting to hear back from the complex cases team and until then we’re basically holding. A whole complex cases team sounds awfully important and also far beyond the capabilities of the NHS so I remain doubtful. In the mean time, up my medication to 300mg Venlafaxine MR daily and keep taking the diazepam as and when. Woo.
Back to the GP this afternoon to pick up new prescriptions. This means I have been out of the house twice in one day! This is something of an epic achievement right about now. I feel a little proud of myself for actually getting things done though and if I don’t stop to think about how little it really is I’ve achieved, today could almost be counted as a success. [Where success is defined somewhat differently to normal]. My major goal for this week is to get out of the house every day, even if it’s just to the library across the road. After today, this is going to be increasingly challenging as I have no commitments until Friday. We shall see.
Other than that, still getting my medication in fortnightly amounts only. It’s meant to be weekly but I don’t think the GP could deal with seeing me that often so has prescribed two weeks worth. My medication dose has doubled in the last month or so. This means a fortnight’s worth at new dose is the same amount as a months worth at old dose. This is somewhat ironic since I was deemed too unsafe to have a months supply of old dose at once, however they will now quite happily give me the same amount as it’s now only a fortnights supply. *rolls eyes despairingly*. I don’t think I’m meant to think about it like that, am I?