Who stole my week?

Can’t believe it’s Thursday already. I’d been doing relatively well up until today. Managed to get out of the house every day, and actually achieve productive things while out too 🙂 It seems like such a stupid thing to be proud of. I have a degree for fucks sake and I’m reduced to my proudest achievement of the week being getting beyond the front door. I was so excited about it, I even had to phone my mum to tell her, that’s what I’m being reduced to. I hate being mentally ill, I hate what it’s made me, I hate what I’ve become.

Clearly 3 days in a row of getting out was more than my system could take as back to indoors only today. I was meant to be doing something but it got to an hour and a half before the appointment and I was working myself into such a state, I emailed and canceled. Not what I wanted but it’s done now and at least the reduction in anxiety somewhat tempered the guilt. It’s stupid, I have diazepam that I’m meant to take when I get overly anxious and it really helps. But I only get prescribed 7 tablets at a time, and I can need a couple over the course of an evening if things are really bad. So I don’t take it because then I will have less available when I really need it even thought the times I really need it are probably exactly when I’m thinking like that.

On the ?plus? side, I received a letter from the Complex Cases Services offering me an appointment to “…talk about the things that have been troubling you and see if our services might be able to help…”. It’s in just over 2 weeks so pretty damn efficient too compared to what I’m used to. This should be exciting, it’s what I’ve been waiting for but to be honest I’m almost tempted to tear the letter up and hide. What if they can’t help me? What if I go and see them, and they tell me to just pull myself together and get on with it? Maybe I’m just being pathetic and all they will do is confirm that. Although, possibly I shouldn’t expect anything, since they’ve managed to call me by my middle name (which I never use) throughout which doesn’t bode particularly well…

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6 Responses to Who stole my week?

  1. Kate says:

    My recipe for getting out the house – about 7 – 10 mg diazepam after a funky workout to Michael Jackson (Off the Wall). Only last week this back-fired and I ended up in minor-injuries after attempting to moon-walk across my room in gripped soles. Fell backwards onto a chair which then shafted me up the U-know-where, resulting in a bruised coccyx. Been sitting on a rubber ring all week. Well at least I ‘got out’ – even if it was just to A&E.
    Too embarrassing to even post about!
    Well done for the small-steps (unlike mine!);)
    K.z

  2. Yay to the getting out. You set a goal, you achieved the goal – but I know what you mean about being feeling like your “reduced to that being your achievement”, it’s so frustrating…

    Complex Cases appointment – I hope it goes well. I very much doubt they’ll tell you to pull yourself together, and it’s definitely worth trying it out – these “assessment appointments” are just as much about you checking them out, as them checking you out (made it sound like a dating service, don’t I? – but you know what I mean)…

    I hope they can offer meaningful help. Although middle name usage – tee hee…

    Take care,
    Differently

  3. aims says:

    I really doubt they will tell you to pull yourself together and quit whining. These are professionals – not the uninformed. You are sick Ana – that is a fact.

    I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they can help you in some way although I haven’t a clue what they do.

    And yes – good for you for getting out. That’s a major step – more major than most people know. And if you didn’t get out today – that’s okay too. It takes way too much work to be perfect! You wouldn’t have time for anything else! :0)

    If you’re home – do some beading – or read about beading or just look at some beautiful beaded work. It’s so much fun!

  4. I’ve never heard of a Complex Cases team, So have no idea what they do, but I really hope they can help you. You’re definitely not being pathetic, and I highly doubt they will tell you to just pull yourself together, hopefully they will be able to provide the standard of support you need. Best of luck with the appointment.

    Also, you should be proud of that you have achieved something – even if it is ‘only’ getting out the front door. It shows you’re actively trying to help yourself. If I can manage to get dressed every day in a week I see that as a massive achievement and reward myself with a new outfit to start the next week with! ;P

  5. Alison says:

    Good for getting out, one day at a time… take care Ana hang on in there! x

  6. trio25 says:

    Getting out of the house is fantastic but I understand how you feel. I hate being told how well I have done as its seems silly its such a big thing. But it was pointed out to me that others wouldn’t even try, I am winning! You are too.

    Complex cases team sounds interesting, look forward to hearing how that went!

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