Oh goody, paranoia strikes

Yesterday I went back to Citizens Advice to complete my DLA form. Wasn’t looking forward to it so took some diazepam before leaving the house. Unfortunately it didn’t help. I had my MP3 player on so I could concentrate on music, if I’m listening to it I can concentrate intensely on the lyrics and it stops the badness insidiously creeping in. Everyone was starting at me. I first noticed it walking down the road, every car I glanced at the driver and passengers were all looking, every pedestrian glared. I desperately tried to avoid eye contact but I could tell, I could feel their eyes boring into me, silently judging. Look, that girl’s crazy. Look at her, why is she allowed out in public? What a state she is.

And I was a state. My hair was a mess, my clothes were creased. I was talking to myself in an attempt to calm me down – don’t be silly Anickdaler, why would they look at you, there’s nothing exciting, eyes down, we’ll get there – at first this was an internal monologue but then I realised my lips were moving and for all I know I was muttering out loud. I wanted to scream and run as far and fast as I could but I had to make the appointment.

To my credit, I got there and the DLA form is in. With everything properly written up, it is the most depressing piece of paper ever. Citizens Advice are enclosing a note asking to be copied in on any replies so if I have to appeal I will have support. My GP and psychiatrist have written in support of my application and apparently they’ve said just the right things so hopefully it’ll all be ok. I don’t want to have to fight, I don’t have the strength.

Then all I had to do was get home. Of course the eyes of the world were back on me and I was so afraid. I was almost running, talking to myself to try and shut out the eyes. It was worse than it’s been for a very long time. I think what I tweeted when I got home says it all;

leaving house was BAD idea. Everyone was staring. They all know you see. Should really just carve crazy in my forehead and be done with it.

And I really wanted to. Just take a knife and write it so that nobody ever had any doubts and at least then I’d know for certain why they were staring rather than just suspecting it. Urgh, don’t ever want to feel like that again. I could tell that everyone was judging and the people in cars were talking about me the second I passed. It took a very long time to ground myself again yesterday evening and come back to reality from complete dissociation.

I was meant to be going climbing this morning. I love climbing, the physical side of it wears me out and it requires concentration to plan a route so it occupies my mind too. Unfortunately trip was canceled at the last minute for reasons unspecified  😦  This is obviously because of me. People do not want to spend time with the crazy one and to be honest who can blame them? So with the one thing I’ve been looking forward to off the cards, I now need to find another way to fill my weekend. My parents have volunteered to drive down but I’m going to visit them next week anyway and besides what sort of 24yo can’t find anything to do or anyone to do it with?  [That was a rhetorical question, if in doubt, the answer’s me]

Seriously what’s the point in any of this? Why do I continue to delay the inevitable on the off chance something will change?


7 Responses to Oh goody, paranoia strikes

  1. trio25 says:

    I could say everyone isn’t looking at you but I know you won’t believe me, I wouldn’t believe anyone telling me that! But try and remember you are a fab person so it doesn’t matter!

  2. Kate says:

    I know that feeling well and it doesn’t really help to be told that you are NOT being scrutinised and judged and that it is ‘all in your head. It’s that feeling of rawness, vulnerability and exposure we can all experience when things are tough and defences are challenged.
    I also find myself talking out loud in public – and it’s usually swear words! Try not to think that it’s all because you’re ‘crazy’. You’re just unique, like everyone else! You’re not hurting or upsetting anyone and besides, most peole walk around with their heads up their arses anyway so I shouldn’t think they’ve even noticed.
    Filling in benefit forms is a horrible, degrading experience and if there’s one thing that’s going to make you feel bad about yourself it’s that kind of negative exercise. I’m glad it’s all done now and out the way. Good luck with that.

  3. aims says:

    Ana – Please go to talk to someone. I’m thinking it’s time to take a little vacation and get some real help. You’re having a very hard time right now and trying to do it all on your own is the hardest thing to do. You never know if you’ve done the right thing and it turns into such a spiral.

    Professionals could help you get back on the right road. Please think about it and look into it for me?

  4. anickdaler says:

    Thanks everyone, my parents are now driving down to see me tomorrow despite my protestations that I was “just fine”. This is actually more of a relief than I thought! Then I’ve to see the Dr on Monday before going back up North home for a few days R+R.

    • Nurse Converse says:

      I really hope it helps to get away for a bit. Also hope the Doc went/goes well.

      For what it’s worth,I CONSTANTLY talk to myself. I forget that people around me can actually SEE me!

  5. Sending lots of hugs your way! I hope you feel a bit better with your parents around. Try to talk to the doc about this, I’m sure there’s gotta be something they can do to help, maybe offer a bit of advice, it will probably just feel good to have someone listen! Take lots of care, I’ll be checking twitter to see how everything is going 😉 xx

  6. Bippidee says:

    I can definitely relate to those horrible, paranoid, everyoneislookingatme thoughts. I find the worse my mood gets, the more I feel like everyone is staring at me, the more I think everyone is against me and wants to hurt me, and the more I dissociate.

    I am glad your parents are visiting and you are going to have a break for a few days – it definitely sounds like you need it.

    There is nothing like filling in a DLA form to make you feel like complete shit. I swear they design them to make them as off putting as possible to try and dissuade most people from applying. Mine was rejected, and I was told to appeal as the reasons they gave for rejecting it were the same as the reasons I had written for needing it, but to be honest it was just too draining – I wasn’t in a good enough place to fight, so I just gave up on it. I expect they save a lot of money that way.


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