It started with a hair cut. I was sitting in the chair waiting. My nerves were rising, what would I say, what did I want done, did I even care? Furtively I reach into my purse, pull out a diazepam, swallow it. It will all be fine. I make conversation. As it progresses, the lies flow more smoothly, my fluency surprises even me. I’m a student nurse. Yes, I enjoy it although it’s hard work. I’m back at home now because we have strange holidays. No, of course I don’t mind you asking. I’m not nervous, just tired; we work long shifts you see. I agree, 12 hours shifts are insane.

I look up and I see me transformed. My face lifted, I look alive. Is that a sparkle in my eyes? What this hair cut needs is a new outfit. Let’s go shopping. I need these clothes, I deserve them. I have lovely curves, I should exploit them. I look incredible, I am unstoppable. Yes, I need that top, it can go on the credit card. It will all be worth it when I go home and throw the things away in my wardrobe that have been there more than 10yrs. New look, new me.  I have plans. I don’t need time off. When I get home, I will get a job. Who wouldn’t employ me? I’m intelligent, witty and erudite. Just try and stop me!

Of course, by the evening the lovely curves have become grotesque rolls of fat. The new clothes have bulges that weren’t there before, and should be a different size by at least 3mm, as if that would make me worthy. Maybe I should have tried a different size? Who would look at me anyway, does it even matter when I don’t deserve to leave the house. Who would employ me? I’m a freak, a failure. How will I pay the bills? The clothes may have been in the sale but I don’t need them. It’s a mess, I’m a mess.

But at least I still like the hair 🙂


3 Responses to (in)Destructable

  1. aims says:

    Oh Sweetie. Your mirror/brain is lying to you. The clothes do look gorgeous on you and that new haircut really helps with everything!

    You have forgotten that you carried a relationship for a long time and were working and living life.

    Come on Ana. Lift your chin up and look at your beautiful eyes in the mirror. See me smiling back at you and giving you the AOK sign!

    Take some deep breaths. Deep deep breaths. Now – go and light some candles and have a nice long bath. Play some lovely music – music you really like. Be good to you. Again.

    It’s been so long since you’ve been good to yourself or even talked about yourself in a positive manner. You need to reaffirm that you are good and smart and beautiful and employable. Keep saying it. Say it all 3 times.

    Keep telling yourself – Positives x 3. Positives x 3.

    It’s in the water and it’s the time of the year.

    I believe – sincerely believe – that you are going to conquer this.

    And – you know I care about you.
    Don’t forget that. If you need me – just email.

  2. Alison says:

    I got through phases like this! You are beautiful from the pictures I have seen of you, without a doubt..

    Don’t panic about the credit card, it will get paid, one way or another they always do!

    I’m with your friend above, get some candles and relax for a while!

  3. I haven’t seen any pictures of you (boo :() but I’m sure if I did I’d think you were beautiful too! Remember what we see is rarely what other people see, sometimes we just have to take someone else’s word for it.

    I need a haircut, they messed it up last time, now I’m too scared!

    I hope you feel better. x

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