Appointment happened and I was (mostly) honest. To be fair, there’s no way she couldn’t have noticed how high I was – I was babbling at high speed and mostly incoherently about all my lists and how wonderful and life changing they were going to be. Also attempted to explain about the speed at which my moods were switching and how unpredictable everything was. At the moment it seems like one minute I could be having a perfectly rational conversation and yet five minutes later be in complete paranoid shock, hiding under my desk.
The result of all this is anti-psychotics. Yay! From a distance, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad idea. Reading my last post back, I don’t exactly come across in the most sane and controlled manner. But up close, I’m bloody terrified. Psychotic has such negative connotations as a word and I dislike having to medicate everything. Meds to bring you up and then ones to put you back down again.
So anyway, we’re trying Risperadone, initially at 1mg daily, increasing to 2 if I don’t get any scary side effects. The thing I’m most scared of is that apparently it has a high chance of causing weight gain. When I took carbamazepine as a mood stabiliser, my weight rocketed and it took me a very long time to get it back under control. I’m currently very happy with my weight but I have no desire to put back on the 3.5stone it took me a year to lose. This means I’ve spent the last 36hrs trying to convince myself that it is not only ok but in fact perfectly normal to eat more than one meal a day. I don’t want to go into that any more for now, there’s definitely a long post to be written about me and food but I can’t face it today.
Took the first dose last night and since then I’ve done little but sleep. I woke up pottered around for a few hours and ended up back asleep for most the afternoon. The only upside is that it guilted me into going for a walk, nothing massive, just round the block; which I wouldn’t otherwise have done. Oh, and I posted my Mother’s Day card which is important 🙂
Sorry, this post is far more a ‘I did this…’, 5year old child style diary entry than I intended. Wittiness and/or interest to be resumed shortly I hope, or more probably not.