Really, I’m fine

Thank you for all your concern after my last post. I should clarify, that where I said “I thought I was immortal” or words to that effect, I more meant that I didn’t care what happened to me and so was prepared to take stupid risks. I think that’s somewhat better? I don’t know where I am with things any more. On an averaged out day to day basis, things are somewhat better however, the extremes in all the many directions they manage to find are stronger and more unpredictable.

I am so scared of ending up in hospital. That isn’t where I want to be. Not now, not ever. I need to have control over as much as I can to compensate for the areas I can’t control, and being admitted would take that away from me. I don’t even know if they’d want to hospitalise me for some of these thoughts, it is the NHS after all. I feel I’m walking a tightrope between crazy mood swings at home, hospital and dead (yes, this is a special universe where you can fall off a tightrope in 3 directions). I don’t much care for any of those. I want yet another dimension added (magic universe, ok?) where I can choose to just be fine. Sometimes when I get really wrapped up in what I’m doing, I have a fraction of a second where I feel what I imagine it would be like to be normal and it’s blissful but it never lasts.

To external eyes, I appear more stable. I’m leaving the house more, attending appointments, even socialising a little bit but behind closed doors nothings really changed. I’m desperately in need of someone to talk to. Blog/Twitter are amazing but it’s not the same as having someone actually there with you. However, there’s a very limited number of people I could be sufficiently honest with and I’d still be afraid they’d be trying to get me locked up behind my back. And besides, I’d never dare ask! When I’m talking to “professionals”, I always feel I’m balancing carefully how much to share. Just enough to get me the help I need, but not so much that I lose my options.

And all the time in the background, I’m analysing. Going over everything I’ve said, each decision I’ve made, trying to work out where I’ve gone wrong. I can find patterns, identify influences, predict outcomes and yet I can’t change any of it and it is intensely frustrating. I’ve always said I was too intelligent to be this crazy!


4 Responses to Really, I’m fine

  1. aims says:

    My dear Ana.

    My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through and just how scary it is because nothing makes sense and everything just keeps going around in a huge circle. However – it isn’t a Merry-Go-Round – it’s more like hell.

    You know I spent nine months on a psyche ward. I’m not ashamed of that at all. I learned a lot in there and it gave me a safe place to be and safe people to talk to. Once you’re inside those walls it’s really calm and safe and even structured.

    These are people who know what you are talking about and feeling. Most of them have been through it themselves and then pursued a career in it to help others. That surprised me and made it easier.

    So – don’t be afraid of being ‘locked up’. It’s not like that at all. There are no straps holding you down and no-one is zapping you just because they feel like it. That is simply not the case. We have a misconceived idea of a mental ward because of film and tv. It is really nothing like that.

    You know I wouldn’t lie to you and I bet you are thinking – well – I can’t talk to Aims anymore because she thinks I should be locked up.

    That is not the case at all. I just wanted you to know the reality of it. And the peace I found being safe and being able to talk about all the rampant and unrelated thoughts I had all the time. The suicidal thoughts – the scary thoughts.

    I came out of there a much nicer person than when I went in. And – I’ve learned how to (mostly) control my thoughts now.

    I do think they drug you too much but when it is needed at the beginning that is okay. Afterward you can ask to be weaned off of the drugs to see if you can cope.

    You really need help in some way Ana. You shouldn’t have to fight all of this on your own and feel like you are all alone out there in the world.

    Please tell the truth to the right people who are asking. Try giving in and just letting it out. There’s no point trying to figure out what they are thinking and how they are evaluating you. Just fine the peace that comes with telling it all. Then it’s done – you don’t have to hide your thoughts anymore and someone – dear God – someone should help you in some way. And don’t be afraid because it is quite alright. I promise.

  2. Alison says:

    We sound very much alike in many ways… I wish I could do more to help other than just be a friend in blog / twitter land. I know what you mean about sometimes needing someone in real life to talk to… often it’s nice to have someone to just talk to for real that can understand! x

  3. The general rule of thumb is that if you’re aware enough to worry about being hospitalised then it isn’t likely…

    And mh peeps try to keep people off the wards (has nothing to do with the national chronic bed shortage – honest!)… And certainly they won’t force hospitalisation on you except as a last resort (the fact you’re asking for help means that’s highly unlikely – and yes I’ve told the professionals all kinds of stuff and hospital has only every been a ‘suggestion’).

    But you do need proper support and unfortunately that’ll only be forthcoming if you are honest with those that can provide it (sucks I know).

    Have you also considered accessing 3rd sector/voluntary sector support? As you may find it less intimidating, since they won’t be involved in enforced treatment etc.

    It might also be worth discussing what’s happening to the psych as some of it may be a reaction to the risperidone (I’m not sure which preceded what).

    Take care,

  4. Edde says:

    I know exactly what you mean when you say “When I’m talking to “professionals”, I always feel I’m balancing carefully how much to share. Just enough to get me the help I need, but not so much that I lose my options.”

    With the exception of my previous therapist (who was incredible, but moved out of the area unfortunately), I have never been able to feel totally comfortable and open with ANY doctor/therapist/nurse asking me questions. I always adjust my answer according to what I believe they 1) one to hear or 2) will result in fewer consequences. I guess that’s why it’s important to find someone you can really connect with and feel it is safe to be honest. A good therapist won’t just throw you in the psych ward for no reason – usually you have to be threatening to harm yourself or someone else to get to that point (at least in the U.S.).
    In any event, I wish you the very best in your journey and I truly hope you can find the kind of help you need… take care.

    P.S. In regards to your statement: “I’ve always said I was too intelligent to be this crazy!” I just had to chuckle because I once had a psychiatrist tell me, “If you didn’t have such a high IQ, you wouldn’t be in this mess!” ha! maybe… 😉

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