Thank you for all your concern after my last post. I should clarify, that where I said “I thought I was immortal” or words to that effect, I more meant that I didn’t care what happened to me and so was prepared to take stupid risks. I think that’s somewhat better? I don’t know where I am with things any more. On an averaged out day to day basis, things are somewhat better however, the extremes in all the many directions they manage to find are stronger and more unpredictable.
I am so scared of ending up in hospital. That isn’t where I want to be. Not now, not ever. I need to have control over as much as I can to compensate for the areas I can’t control, and being admitted would take that away from me. I don’t even know if they’d want to hospitalise me for some of these thoughts, it is the NHS after all. I feel I’m walking a tightrope between crazy mood swings at home, hospital and dead (yes, this is a special universe where you can fall off a tightrope in 3 directions). I don’t much care for any of those. I want yet another dimension added (magic universe, ok?) where I can choose to just be fine. Sometimes when I get really wrapped up in what I’m doing, I have a fraction of a second where I feel what I imagine it would be like to be normal and it’s blissful but it never lasts.
To external eyes, I appear more stable. I’m leaving the house more, attending appointments, even socialising a little bit but behind closed doors nothings really changed. I’m desperately in need of someone to talk to. Blog/Twitter are amazing but it’s not the same as having someone actually there with you. However, there’s a very limited number of people I could be sufficiently honest with and I’d still be afraid they’d be trying to get me locked up behind my back. And besides, I’d never dare ask! When I’m talking to “professionals”, I always feel I’m balancing carefully how much to share. Just enough to get me the help I need, but not so much that I lose my options.
And all the time in the background, I’m analysing. Going over everything I’ve said, each decision I’ve made, trying to work out where I’ve gone wrong. I can find patterns, identify influences, predict outcomes and yet I can’t change any of it and it is intensely frustrating. I’ve always said I was too intelligent to be this crazy!