So, how’d it go?

I have to say that psych appointment was a resounding disappointment. I should really stop expecting any more from the NHS seeing as all it ever does is let me down. Nobody has heard from Complex Cases despite their promise to contact me within 7-10 days. Well they’ve had that and more. Also haven’t heard from the Community Services I’ve apparently been referred to in an attempt to get me a CPN. It’s definitely agreed that I urgently need more support for my own safety but it also seems to be the case that the support is impossible to get.

You’ll all be pleased to here that for once I was entirely honest, for all the good it did me. I spelled out that I was suicidal and that I had a plan. Hell, I even outlined the plan in some detail and she couldn’t give me a reason why it wouldn’t work. I explained about the hearing things, the (lack of) eating,  the memory weirdness, the severity of the self harm but all to no avail it seems. She explained that it’s complicated with me because I don’t fit neatly into any one box. Instead I tick all the bloody boxes so it leaves us without an obvious route. If I was just one thing, she gave the example of schizophrenic for some reason, then there are well laid out pathways to follow and it’s somehow easier. But I float around all the categories, alone and confused and nobody wants to have anything to do with me. Apparently, I also have a mood disorder of some type not yet specified. To be honest this doesn’t surprise me. I wish I knew what though just for a sense of completeness so I could add it to the list. Do you think I should put them on my CV, or maybe as letters after my name?

The conclusion: up the risperidone to 3mg daily, prescriptions back to weekly as opposed to fortnightly and wait to here from all the teams. Woo. Well worth a 20minute cycle in the pouring rain that was. On the very small plus side there’s a possibility of maybe half price gym membership becasue exercise is good for nutters, she’ll get back to me with details. GP appointment later today to pick up more meds and probably rant a bit more.

LAst night was a complete mess. I tried drinking a glass of wine but that just made me feel worse so I quickly cut that one out. I cried properly for the first time in months. Did you know I’ve been single for just over a year now and in that time things have if anything moved backwards not forward? Suffice to say my arm is also rather sore this morning. All just fabulous. I really don’t know where I go from here.


6 Responses to So, how’d it go?

  1. Lola Snow says:

    I am sorely tempted to go off on a generic NHS ineptitude rant, but this is about you, not my fury at how fucking ridiculous it is to play god with people’s lives because The Computer Says No.

    Ana I am sorry it feels like everything is falling apart right now, I guess it makes very little difference if I tell you I think things will get better for you again, provided you are around to see it. I think that’s the thing about Non-descript mood disorders which don’t fit neatly in boxes, you can almost guarantee that as shit as things might seem now, the nature of the disorder is that things will get better again. It’s just the waiting bit that is the horrible time.

    Sending Hugs your way,

    Lola x

  2. Bippidee says:

    I am sorry they aren’t giving you the support you should be getting. TO be honest I kind of feel like the labels thing is all a bit bollocksy – I mean how many of us do just neatly fit into one box?! I fit at least 4 diagnostic criteria, if not more. And ok, maybe that means they can’t follow their nice little neatly set out pathways, but they need to treat people as individuals, not diagnoses! Ok, rant over!

    I really hope you get some help soon, and you can always email me if you want a chat. xxx

  3. Alison says:

    Sorry it seems like the NHS are letting you down… its really shit when they cannot and won’t be more specific with information for you, don’t they realise that it doesn’t help you in the long term!

    I hope things become clearer in the long run!

  4. finefinefine says:

    Am furious on your behalf, why should we fit into boxes in order to get any treatment? Isn’t it supposed to be about individuals and treating the person not the diagnosis? Obviously not, but really… I despair. Sorry this is happening for you x.

  5. aims says:

    Ana – I’m going to tell you what happened to me and I’m saying right now that it truly was the best thing for me.

    I was in your kind of state – unable to stop crying for days on end – and two friends took me directly to the hospital and asked to see a psychiatrist. I was taken to a ‘calming room’ and a psychiatrist showed up after a while and watched me. I can’t remember if he talked to me or not but I do remember getting a shot of something and then being taken to a ward and shown where I would sleep.

    Those days there saved me. My friends saved me.

    You are crying out for help here Ana and we would come running if we could – but there’s a big ocean between you and me.

    Could you ask your roommate and friends to help you? Or perhaps ask your roommate to get in touch with me or one of us?

    Since the blockheads you are seeing are blind and inactive – someone has to take some action.

  6. Nurse Converse says:

    Oh god I’m sorry. You must be feeling so frustratde and exhausted with everything right now. Can’t she chase up the CPN (I assume you don’t want to hear from complex cases?)? Even if she can’t say “This is your definitive diagnosis” she obviosly agrees that you need help and support and what else would the CPN be for FFS?

    Can you access counselling anywhere? I don’t know if you’d be interested in that but it might be worth thinking about. Are the meds actually making a difference at all?

    Hope you’re as OK as you can be. Big hugs and I’m thinking about you xxxx

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