I have to say that psych appointment was a resounding disappointment. I should really stop expecting any more from the NHS seeing as all it ever does is let me down. Nobody has heard from Complex Cases despite their promise to contact me within 7-10 days. Well they’ve had that and more. Also haven’t heard from the Community Services I’ve apparently been referred to in an attempt to get me a CPN. It’s definitely agreed that I urgently need more support for my own safety but it also seems to be the case that the support is impossible to get.
You’ll all be pleased to here that for once I was entirely honest, for all the good it did me. I spelled out that I was suicidal and that I had a plan. Hell, I even outlined the plan in some detail and she couldn’t give me a reason why it wouldn’t work. I explained about the hearing things, the (lack of) eating, the memory weirdness, the severity of the self harm but all to no avail it seems. She explained that it’s complicated with me because I don’t fit neatly into any one box. Instead I tick all the bloody boxes so it leaves us without an obvious route. If I was just one thing, she gave the example of schizophrenic for some reason, then there are well laid out pathways to follow and it’s somehow easier. But I float around all the categories, alone and confused and nobody wants to have anything to do with me. Apparently, I also have a mood disorder of some type not yet specified. To be honest this doesn’t surprise me. I wish I knew what though just for a sense of completeness so I could add it to the list. Do you think I should put them on my CV, or maybe as letters after my name?
The conclusion: up the risperidone to 3mg daily, prescriptions back to weekly as opposed to fortnightly and wait to here from all the teams. Woo. Well worth a 20minute cycle in the pouring rain that was. On the very small plus side there’s a possibility of maybe half price gym membership becasue exercise is good for nutters, she’ll get back to me with details. GP appointment later today to pick up more meds and probably rant a bit more.
LAst night was a complete mess. I tried drinking a glass of wine but that just made me feel worse so I quickly cut that one out. I cried properly for the first time in months. Did you know I’ve been single for just over a year now and in that time things have if anything moved backwards not forward? Suffice to say my arm is also rather sore this morning. All just fabulous. I really don’t know where I go from here.