I had a GP appointment on _______ (insert day here, I’ve forgotten and can’t quite be bothered to look it up). I’m struggling to build up a regular relationship with a GP. Every time I see one I can get along with, they’re on holiday or busy the next time I need an appointment so once again I was facing doctor unknown. It started badly when he didn’t even ask how I was. I mean, surely that’s a basic communication skill no matter who you’re dealing with. I summarised what had happened at the psych appointment, increase in Risperidone and back to weekly prescriptions again. He obviously didn’t listen to a word I said as he still issued me with a fortnights worth of pills. He then went on to question why I needed to see a GP every fortnight, could I not just get repeats? I muttered something about being a risk to myself (and probably flushed bright red, it’s not something I’m proud if), and he glared at me as if my presence there was massively inconveniencing him and I left. In and out within 3 minutes.
I was so angry. This is one of the few times I feel I’ve been treated truly differently because of my diagnosis. Hell, I don’t want to see a doctor all the time but it’s not like I have a choice right about now. I felt like a waste of space and that if a GP feels the practice would be better of without me, how does the rest of the world feel? He’s meant to care, to be looking out for me and instead I left convinced he wanted me gone. I also now have far more pills in my possession than I wanted and slightly too many ideas of what to do with them.
Everything is very spacey at the moment. Things are happening but not to me. I forget everything. I am learning to crochet, and the initial instruction was chain 6 stitches. It took me about 10 attempts as I kept losing count. A 5 year old child can count to 6 for goodness sake, it shouldn’t be challenging to someone with a degree and a degree with a reasonable maths content at that. I self harm but it isn’t me that it’s happening to. It’s like watching someone else be damaged and I feel nothing. I’ve found it hard to focus for long enough to write this and I couldn’t tell you if it makes any sense. I’ve often had problems with dissociation but they’re never fun and I could really do without them at the moment.
Oh, and Complex Cases finally got back to me. They’re going to start seeing me regularly as of next week. I’m yet to decide if this is a good thing or not. It’s a different person to the one who did the assessment so I will give them another chance and see what they can offer me.