WARNING: May be more triggering than usual
Today I have eaten far, far too much chocolate and am now working my way towards drinking far, far too much rose wine. I will hate myself for this tomorrow as I haven’t left the house since Thursday ish and therefore have done zero exercise and am infact a fat disgusting slug feeding on the detritus of this supposedly holy day. At the moment though it seems like the only option. It’s the only way to quiet my head.
I’ve never heard voices. I hear noises quite frequently and occasionally noises that could be voices but they’re never distinct enough to determine what if anything they’d be saying. Instead the only voice I have to deal with, is a part of me. I often think of myself as two people. There’s the one I want to be – smiling, happy, inspired and successful – and then there’s the bloody insane one roaming chaotically over everything I do. They take up varying proportions of my time, when the good one is in the lead it’s all dealable with but when it’s not… The insane part picks different ways to torment me. Right now it’s massively suicidal thoughts the second I’m on my own.
The last three nights I have lain in bed unable to sleep for hours, drafting and redrafting my suicide note in my head. This isn’t just a generic note to everyone but also includes what I would like to say to a few specific individuals. I think I could recite it almost word perfect now. I’ve planned the possible whens, the how and the why. The detail that’s gone into this thinking astounds me and also terrifies me.
The only small comfort is that every time I run the scenario in my head, I end up waking up in hospital like before. The rational me says that I don’t want to die but the insane one is leaving me with no other choice.
So this is why today I’ve gone down the chocolate and wine route. I may be a fat, disgusting slug but at least this slug is still here.